My little smiley :) girl

My little smiley :) girl, when you finally arrived

How elated I was, my gaze never left you

My little smiley :) girl, your little face beetroot red

With the tiniest little whimper, I fell for you easily.

My little smiley :) girl, you really sleep like a log

With neither a care in the world, my huggable princess.

My little smiley :) girl, with flocks of hair so curly

You do take your time to enjoy your food and fruits.

My little smiley :) girl, oh you draw so well

You have the makings of a budding artist

My little smiley :) girl, I do wish to give you the world,

The little musical globe and pretty pink dresses you love.

My little smiley :) girl, you must be the most kind-hearted
Offering a hug when you see the sadness in my eyes
My little smiley :) girl, may you be blessed with aplenty
I do wish to see you grow up into a pretty smiley :) girl.


This is written for my little smiley :) girl who is 6 today.
Happy Birthday, Rae'e! Yee Yee (姨姨) loves you so much.

Right or wrong?

During my Secondary school days, I used to be the Head Prefect. And accordingly, I had to be very strict and disciplined in order to be a role model for the students. But how do I teach my fellow prefects to behave themselves too?

One of my prefects, Jas, who was also my friend in the same class, was a real havoc girl then, with a punkish hair style and quite kinky dress sense. Some of us would remember that in the 1980s there was such a trend among teens; wearing colourful ties, weird looking shoes, and sticking a big hair brush behind the pants, attending afternoon tea dances and visiting Zouk. Anyway, I had "helluva-time" keeping Jas under control. My form teacher, Mrs June, who happened to be the discipline mistress, naturally had a bad impression of her and actually made things difficult for me because I was supposed to watch Jas' behaviour.

Once in class, Mrs June conducted a spot check on our attire. Jas was ordered into the toilet. One side of Jas' hair was very short and the other side was a very long fringe. She had prepared herself, she had gelled up her fringe so that it won't fall off. Mrs June knew her trick, and asked Jas to jump on the spot a few times. Of course all her gelled up hair came crumbling down. Mrs June then took the scissors and snipped off her "oh-so-stylish" fringe. Jas was so furious that she complained and complained. And I got scolded by both for nothing!

At that time, I couldn't help but sympathised with Jas for Mrs June was indeed quite unreasonable and ridiculous. I was amazed at the things teachers in those days would do to prove that they were right. So although I was supposed to be on the "right side of the law", I really didn't approved of the way Mrs June had handled the situation.

Anyway, Jas is still one of my best friends today. The moral of the story is....no matter how big an authority we are, we can be wrong sometimes, and sometimes, when we're wrong, we should not be ashamed to admit it. As they say.....

When I am right, nobody remembers!
When I am wrong, nobody forgets!

The Right Brainer

For the last few days, I experienced pain on my backside whenever I sat down or when I was getting up. Yesterday it became worse. Suspected slipdisc. I saw my doctor. It was at the end of my spinal cord where the pain came from. But it was not a slipdisc. Phew. It was probably due to a heavy bump on my backside, or if I had a fall or as result of sitting on a new chair or the number of hours I was sitting down or my sitting-down posture etc.. I suspected it was probably due to the new armchair in my office, plus the long hours of sitting in front of the computer in office and at home.

I was given some medicine to pacify the pain. I was advised if the condition worsened, then I might have to go for an X-ray. So I went home, took my first dose of the medicine. About two to three hours later, both of my eyes became swollen. This is the case of drug allergy. Although I wasn't particularly shocked, as I am allergic to quite a number of drugs. But this time the effect of the drug allergy was worse than normal. My right eye was so swollen that it couldn't open at all. Now I learnt I have another allergy to another drug. This added to my already long list of drugs I couldn't take. Visiting the doctor again, I was given an injection to relax my swollen eyes and also the back pain. That was yesterday. Today my eyes are still swollen although slightly better. Normally, they would take a long time to subside. My doctor was taking precaution as we should be aware of a rare, but potentially life-threatening reaction to a drug allergy. Analyphylaxis, a severe reaction that usually occurs immediately after taking a drug, can cause difficulty breathing, increased heart rate, and decreased blood pressure. If I was developing these symptoms, I have to take extra precaution.

So far whenever I have a drug allergy, the symptom is always swelling of the eyes in the form of mini-mosquito-bites lookalike around the eye area. Other than that, luckily, I am ok.

I read from somewhere that "A" blood group types have potentially high chances of developing drug allergies as they get older. Hmm, so it is true. Last time, I have no allergy at all. But the list seems to grow longer as I get older.

Another discovery: I was wondering why my right eye is the more swollen one. I think I have a perennial problem with my right eye, rather than the left. My left eye is always the better one, in terms of sight and clarity.

As we know, the left eye is controlled by the right brain and the right eye by the left brain. Normally "left brain" types are very analytical and orderly, uses logic and facts, more prone to math and science. (Oh how I loathe math and science).

We also know of the artistic, unpredictability and creativity of "right brain" types, who are more prone to the "big picture" oriented imagination, with symbols and images, more receptive to philosophy and religion, and can be impetuous and risk taking.

Each of us draws upon specific sides of our brain for a variety of daily functions, depending on our education and life experiences. The choices of which brain is in control of which situations is what makes our personalities and determines our character. In most people, however, the left brain takes control, choosing logic, reasoning and details over imagination, holistic thinking and artistic talent.

However, I now discover I am more of a "right brainer" as my right brain is always "sneaking" into my consciousness, filling my mind with emotional and visual vignettes and freely associated images. Although my left brain will quickly assert itself and dispense with these irrational images with its Spock-like logical dominance, thus causing my right brain to be content to find expression in dreams. No wonder I always dream. Maybe that's the only outlet where my right brain can protest.

Sorry, my left brain is not thinking now, because as you know....my right eye is effectively swollen and shut. I better take a nap... and let my right brain take control again (dream).

Don't play play ah...

Last time when I know zilch about Feng Shui, I really did experienced some hiccups. I used to rear many fishes at home, simply because the sound of water has a calming effect on me. So in my bid to achieve that feeling, I installed the fish tank right inside my bedroom, so that every night I can fall asleep with the sound of water. 

Then, 2 weeks before I was supposed to go on a Bangkok trip, my bottom left eyelids started twitching very badly. It was like some sort of premonition. It was like something is going to happen. I didn't know then whether it was good or bad. True enough, when I was in Bangkok, a pickpocket slit open my bag and stole my wallet stashed with loads of Thai baht. It happened in a split second and in a crowded street. If the pickpocket wasn't such a professional, my waist might have been hurt in the process, because the opening of the slit of my bag was just merely few millimetres away from my body! 

Anyway, amazingly, immediately after the incident, my eyelids stopped twitching. From then on, whenever it twitches again, I knew it is not good news. I came home, I referred to a Feng Shui book, and learnt that while fish tanks are great water enhancers of wealth, they can't be placed inside the bedroom as it can cause monetary losses. Generally speaking, fish tanks can only be placed in the living room. Dimwit! I scrambled to move my fish tank out of my bedroom! And everything went back to normal.

It was only much later, that my Sis told me that all of my fishes in my bedroom had in fact died on the day I flew off to Bangkok. My Dad actually bought and replaced new fishes into the tank immediately as they were worried I would flew into a rage when told the truth. Till now, I'm quite certain the fish tank in my bedroom had caused my monetary loss and bad luck and those fishes must have absorbed the bad "chi" of my misfortune. Perhaps their sacrifice has saved me from being hurt.

Inside the mind

My friend has a strong ebony frame. And a collection of loud stickers. We met a few years back. We became the best of pals. We raced through many silent pre-dawns and sunsets and along empty streets. And round and round quiet parks and neighbourhoods. We’ve accompanied each other to buy late-night supper, indulging in durian and seafood, going to the beach and shopping. He carried me everywhere. Even to the office when my mood strikes. The car pales in comparison to him. But it’s not what you think. My friend is my mountain bike.


He doesn’t look so new now. His shiny blue body and the wheels are splattered with mud. Scratches are appearing everywhere. And he needs some serious servicing. But I’ve grown accustomed to his little grumbles and groans. And the disturbing crackles he makes each time his gears are shifted.


And he shares my little secrets.


Pedalling furiously one night, I told him how I wondered whether I could find the courage to go wherever my heart led. Would I dare to leave everything behind and spend the rest of my life doing what I love – read, write and travel?


Or would I heed the convention, now that I‘ve graduated and re-graduated with a job, would I ever get married and watch kids grow? Would I migrate? Being close to my family, I sometimes wonder whether I am drifting along with my family’s silent expectations of me.


I told my bike how I missed watching my little god-brother grow. From a 10-year-old kid to a young handsome 23-year-old. Yes, that’s how long he’s been away from Singapore.


I told him of my sadness sometime back when I first learnt from the doctor (my good friend) that my Dad’s got cancer and has only 6 months to live. And how I couldn’t break the news to my Mom and Sis because they would definitely freak out. And how relieved I was when my Dad was miraculously cured in the end.


Some people may think that the stereotype of someone like me is a wanderer at heart, doesn't take relationships seriously, "commercialised" by society, impatient, materialistic and eager for immediate success and wealth, and passionate about getting rid of the old tradition. That’s not always true. My yearnings are so much simpler. I have so much to share. I’ll just go for a ride again.

Breaking up

Recently, I've seen many couples broken up or in the midst of breaking up. Or they are drifting apart. Some of them are my friends and acquaintances.

This lady friend of mine is a successful and popular businesswoman, extremely street-smart, cautious and shrewd in her business dealings. She not only attracted huge profits to her business, she also attracted attention from many male friends, business associates and even strangers. Well, she is a comparatively attractive and flirtatious woman. She is also very protective of her family, especially of her hubby and children, as she is more exposed to the public. But I feel that it didn't help in any way her relationship with her hubby.

I have often in the past wondered how would her hubby had taken to her growing popularity and wealth, while he remained a mediocre civil servant; quiet, reserved and polite. When they married, they were poor and struggled for a number of years till my lady friend started her own business. Although my lady friend has not made known about any problems surfacing in her marriage, she has not confided in anyone because she does not trust anyone. She has remained cheerful and optimistic in the eyes of outsiders. But I am sad to detect hints of tears in her marriage, through her emails, through what she wrote, through things she said. Perhaps her husband is insecure. Perhaps they have drifted apart in their aspirations. They have stopped to share. My gut feel tells me I may be right. I hope I am wrong.

I know my lady friend still loves her hubby. She is hoping things will improve between them. However, I feel that for a marriage to work, there has to be trust and commitment besides almighty love. Children may play an integral part in maintaining that connection, but ultimately if there is no longer love or if the intense feelings and understanding between the couple are gone, it may be better to just let go.

A couple is brought together by fate or destiny ("缘分" in chinese), but fate can also draw them apart. Sometimes it may be better to love someone even though he/she is not with you, than to hang on when there is no longer feelings for each other. I feel a person deserves his/her own happiness. Open your heart, let go, and find your own brand of happiness. Love has its own time, season and own reasons. You can't ask it to stay, you can only embrace as it comes and be glad that for a moment in your life, it was yours. Be thankful that at least you did have the "缘" with that person in the first place. 缘分本来就是天意, 注定的.可遇不可求,也不可以自己改变. I wish my lady friend will find her own happiness soon. 祝福你.

In My Life

I chanced upon her music while I was browsing books and magazines in a mega bookstore. The soothing music drawn me to the CD section. I had to ask who was the singer. Emi Fujita. Her CD "Camomile". I had never heard of her before. Emi Fujita is a fantastic vocalist I've come across; simple, forthright, with crystal clear rendition of English songs. Most importantly, her voice connects with me. 我簡直著迷了…從未聽過如此好的歌聲。一級捧 ! Among my favourites is "In My Life".

In My Life by Emi Fujita

There are places I remember all my life.

Though some have changed

Some forever not for better

Some have gone and some remain

All these places have their moments

With lovers and friends but I still can recall

Some are dead and some are living

In my life I've loved them all

But of all these friends and lovers

There is no one compares with you

And these memories lose their meaning

When I think of love as something new

Though I know I'll never lose affection

For people and things that went before

I know I'll often stop and think about them

In my life I love you more

In my life I love you more

In my life I love you more

Full Moon

Once, I told a friend that I saw a touching moment on TV. There was this young man from Taiwan whose wife was lying unconscious in the hospital, in a coma. She was dying. His last wish for his wife was to let her hear the evergreen song “月亮代表我的心” (The Moon Symbolises My Heart), her favourite song. He approached the Chinese singer, Chyi Chin, who sang fabulous love ballads. The young man and Chyi Chin ended up in a studio, recording the song. When the recorded song was played to the dying wife, tears rolled down her cheeks, even in her comatose state. Shortly after the song was played, she passed away. Chyi Chin was crying as he was so touched.

I related to my friend how I was so touched, by the act, by the song, by the singer. I love this song too. I love to hear the different renditions by different singers. Newer generation singers sometimes gave this song an entire different flavour. Still, I love it. Few months later, my friend sang this song, and dedicated it to “someone whom I don't meet up often”. 謝謝你!

For this song, I wrote this.
--------------------------------------------------
O this moonlight world
the sky is melancholy silent tonight,
with the moon embarked in shimmering rich gold,
its radiance pierced through the occasional passing cloud,
the night breathes its vows into our thoughts.

O this moonlight world
the waves cast their sounds upon the air
in calm muted tones of secrecies and solitude
their ripples like laughter through the bed of ocean
the night has its arms wrapped around us now.

Great satisfaction

Once, I was real busy, was outside for an appointment. I was on my mobile phone talking to a friend when I got interrupted by a man who appeared right in front of me!


He was in his late 30s, and he was reeking with smell of liquor. In broad daylight! Told me in Mandarin that he went drinking and didn't have a cent to go home. He asked me for some money. I asked him how much he needed. He said about $3 to $5. I just took out $10 and gave it to him. He thanked me gratefully and said may God bless me.


I continued talking to my friend. My friend couldn't believed that I actually gave that man money, saying that he was sure to be a hoax! My friend went on to tell my other friends about me being cheated. I was labelled "stupid", "goondu" and more. Actually, I didn't know why I gave the man money. I really thought I was doing a good deed. Anyway, it's no big deal. It was just $10. No matter what my friends said, I chose to believe that the man was someone in desperate need at that point of time and I was just doing a charitable deed for the day. At least I felt happier! May God bless me!


I read this quote somewhere....
"If you make alot of money, put it to use helping others while you are living. That is wealth's greatest satisfaction".

6-year-old me

I had a close relationship with my Ah Gong (Dad's Dad). I was looked after by Ah Gong when I was young because my parents had to work. He doted on me like a precious gem. He bought me lots of toys, books, drawing boards (I like to draw!). Mom told me Ah Gong used to bring me out everyday everywhere, be it for business or to visit friends or simply to the park. We used to live in a shophouse in Shenton Way and there was this park near the Raffles Place of today. Normally, at the end of the day, to my Mom's horror, my attire would usually be dirty, sweaty, untidy with unkempt hair (cos.. how could an old man take care of a small kid?). Ah Gong and I were inseparable then ...... until he left when I was six.

He had wanted to visit his homeland, Taiwan. In my recollection, I can still remember that morning at the airport. We were there to send him off. Just as he was going in, he turned around and waved goodbye at me, smiling ever so kindly. I cried. But I didn't know then that I would never see him again.

He had an heart attack while he was in Taiwan and died in his homeland. He had a grand funeral there, but sadly, none of his immediate family were there. When his things were shipped back to Singapore, inside his wallet was a small note which I had sent to him just a few days back. In all of my 6-year-old knowledge then, I wrote in English: "Grandpa, how are you?" and in Chinese, "公公, 你好吗? 我很想你." This tattered little piece of paper is still with me today.

At that time, we held a religious ceremony for him at my home. Shortly after, I had a dream. The scene was exactly the same ceremony at my house. I saw myself standing near the main door of my house during the ceremony. Everyone's heads were bent, listening to the chanting from the monk. Suddenly, right outside my door, I saw my Ah Gong standing there. He was waving at me and smiling his ever-so-kind smile. In merely a few seconds, he gave me a good-bye wave, turned around and walked away. The 6-year-old me was stunned. When I woke up, I slowly realised that Grandpa had appeared in my dream, he wanted to say good bye to me. It's a sign to me not to worry anymore, not to miss him anymore. Till this day, I can still remember that dream clearly. He will always be the Ah Gong I love.

Circles

I doodle when I’m idle or on the phone. I normally draw lips or circles. I heard from the experts that if one likes to draw lips that are closed, this person is a thoughtful, passionate and considerate lover in bed! Oh dear. Or… oh good?


As for drawing circles, it means that this person is essentially a sincere, kind-hearted, friendly individual who is faithful in relationships, and would not waste time on short-term affairs! True, if I may say so.


When you love someone,
Draw a circle around their name, instead of a heart,
Because hearts can be broken,
But circles never end.

O dear, wherefore art thou?

I saw "Shakespeare In Love" the movie some years back. I couldn't understand why it was nominated for many Oscars. Found the plot a bit senseless and lacked direction. Personally, having been a Literature student, I felt it was an insult to Shakepeare. If I may bombard the movie, quoting the Grand Bard's own words....

"If this were played upon a stage now,

I could condemn it as an improbable fiction."

Although I wasn't that erudite a Literature student, the subject proved to be one of my best in school, without me studying too hard for it. Perhaps I breathed the same literary air as Shakespeare, or I had a definite affinity to his theatrical fashion.

Reading "Twelfth Night" reminded me of secondary school days. I also briefly read Julius Caesar, Antony & Cleopatra, Romeo & Juliet etc. Indeed "That book in many's eye doth share the glory, That in gold clasps locks in the golden story."

One memorable verse I remember memorising in school was.....

"If music be the food of love, play on;

Give me excess of it, that, surfeiting,

The appetite may sicken, and so die.

That strain again! it had a dying fall;

O, it came o'er my ear like the sweet sound

That breathes upon a bank of violets,

Stealing and giving odour!"

And it was during Literature classes that were transpired to us students that our teacher was plain too lazy to teach. She had always asked us to write down our thoughts of Shakespeare's verses without really going through the book. For each short verse, I would normally write one long page! Well, it's just a matter of interpretation and perception, isn't it?

Such was my devotion with Shakespeare. I wouldn't exactly deem it an obsession really. I remember another verse clearly......

"Some are born great,

Some achieve greatness,and

Some have greatness thrust upon 'em."

Though I was never in the first category, I'm working towards the second, but dreaming of the third! Had to remind myself to be humble. I always remind myself to be sensitive to people's feelings, their reactions, and not to antagonise them with harsh words.... (hmm, I was never one with harsh words anyway).....which reminds me of another verse.....

"Mend your speech a little,

Lest it may mar your fortunes."

See, Shakespeare also teaches worldly lessons, rather than just purporting a "silly, dreamy poet's thoughts" (or so some people say). My retirement wish is to spend carefree days attending college reading Shakespeare again, along with other great writers of different eras, and to examine the emotions of these great men's thoughts through the spirit of their works.

"Good night, good night!

Parting is such sweet sorrow,

That I shall say good night till it be morrow."

Blessings

Adapted this from somewhere:

The little child whispered "God, speak to me"

And a meadowlark sang.

But the child did not hear.

So the child yelled "God, speak to me!"

And the thunder rolled across the sky

But the child did not listen.

The child looked around and said "God let me see you"

And a star shone brightly

But the child did not notice.

And the child shouted "God show me a miracle"

And a life was born

But the child did not know.

So the child cried out in despair "Touch me, God, and let me know that you are here"

Whereupon God reached down and touched the child.

But the child brushed the butterfly away. And walked away unknowingly.

Take time to listen. Often times, the things we seek are right underneath our noses. Don't miss out on your blessing because it isn't packaged the way you expect. While we mourn the sad ending of 2004, we should start counting our blessings in 2005. Happy New Year.