Tuesday, 26 February 2013

With everything, there's nothing

Indeed, with everything, there's nothing. Impermanence.

I just had a sudden realisation a few days ago that left me quite disorientated and helpless. Viewing everything, and then...  nothing. Something, or rather a series of accumulated experiences, happenings, and encounters with people made me reflect on many things and life in general. I am usually a quiet and meek person, yet rather direct if I feel that something is not right. I would usually voice out my thoughts. When others question if I am being too sensitive or quick to judge, I somehow disagree. This is because I do not just pinpoint or confront any party immediately. Rather, I would observe for a long time to check if my judgement or opinions are valid and correct. Anyhow, when I finally realised the truth (that I was right) or when it hit me, I became quite sad and agitated. And often, I get most upset and so affected when the issue concerned is someone close to me. And even more so, if I feel that the issue cannot be justly resolved.

It is quite hard for me to put into words exactly what was bothering me. I struggled, tried very hard to apply what I learnt from the Dharma in order to address/calm my thoughts. For a few sleepless nights, I was disturbed about the situation. I was even a little withdrawn. Even though I know I had seen through and was right about something/someone, I still felt it was not right to feel the (my) emotions that came with it. We live with others' prejudices. We live with unreasonable predicaments. We live with unnecessary gossips. We live with the environment and elements that may be unfair and full of crap. All I am looking for is something more genuine, devoid of facade and pretense.

However I recognise and admit that whatever strong resentment I felt all arose from my own concepts. Even though others may be wrong, that is their own deluded problems which they have to deal with themselves. I just have to take care of my own emotions, to not feel upset with any external interferences. They have their own karma while I have my own karma to deal with. Too busy. Anyway, circumstances will always change. The bad things won't last. Nor will the good stuff.

I tried to practice feeling gratitude for the happy things that had happened to me as well. Think happy thoughts. Think patience. Think of those who made me happy. And chuck out the nonsense which I was right about. The less expectations I have, the less I would be disappointed. Then I realised I have even more people who support me and love me, who showed me concern, who treated me to a meal or a cuppa when I was down. Even readers and followers of this blog, who are strangers, sent wonderful supportive messages to me. Or those who approached me when they recognised me on the streets. Although I'm not a famous blogger or have many followers or high hit rates, I can safely conclude I've more supporters than the few people who made me unhappy. So why should I be unhappy?

I'm not sure if this post will be published or become just a draft in the end, but at least, this is an outlet for me whenever I feel sad and disappointed. I handle my emotions by writing about them. I think that's better than picking a quarrel or fight with someone. And being able to read next time what I wrote, is also a reminder for me not to feel the same way again.

A few people have asked me, what is so great being a Tibetan Buddhist and what is the thing that have changed me? I don't have a perfect answer. Although I'm not a good example of a good human being, but I think by listening to the teachings and trying to apply them on my very fickle sensitive mind, I would say my outbursts of anger and frustrations, mood swings have become lesser or less frequent over the years. So Buddhism has helped me check myself, check my mind and given me a little self-control over myself. And with all my gurus' blessings, I would think I've improved a little from 9 years ago when I started this blog. But I've still a long way to go in taming my monkey mind. Wish me luck. Wish me skies of merits.

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