In memories of a great practitioner - Geshe Ngawang Longtho

In memories of 84-year-old Geshe Ngawang Longtho, who passed away this evening. Geshe la was from Gaden Shartse Monastery and visited Singapore Gaden Shartse Dro-Phen Ling numerous times.  Geshe-la was a great practitioner and adept in conducting powerful pujas. 

Message from Gaden Shartse Dro-Phen Ling: 

"Currently Geshe Ngawang Longtho remains in clear light meditation (thugdam) after clinical death. Thugdam is an honorific term for meditative practice during the period following the death of a great master, during which time they are absorbed in clear light. 

A realized practitioner may remain in that meditative state for a number of days. Geshe-la manifests extraordinary practice as there is still a certain color of glow in his face, his skin remains soft and flexible, his body does not become stiff, and there is still warmth at his heart."

Way even before I became aware of Geshe Ngawang Longtho's qualities as a great practitioner, I somehow knew he possessed certain special skills and power. And this was because of a dream I had once. 

In that brief dream, I was walking along a dark, empty and misty road, with no one in sight. Then Geshe-la appeared all of a sudden and was walking towards me. Relieved and happy to see him, I put both palms together to greet him. Geshe-la smiled and blessed me by putting both his hands on my head and chanting prayers. Then he turned to leave. However, he paused and turned back to me again and decided to continue his chanting, both hands on my head again. After a few minutes, to my amazement, I saw a gulf of black air, like droves of bees, coming out of my chest and escaped in rapid speed, which then disappeared into thin air. I believe that was somewhat a purification and healing ritual! When Geshe-la finished, he instructed me to adopt a certain deity practice on a daily basis. End of dream. 

It was kind of a special dream. Even though I have never chatted with Geshe-la in real life before (because he was  quite serious looking and did not smile much, plus we would have been a chicken and a duck talking), the dream convinced me to have faith in Geshe-la's abilities and powers during pujas.  Geshe-la was among the group of highly respected old geshes in Gaden Shartse Monastery who are really skilful in conducting pujas which are so effective in clearing obstacles. 

I last saw Geshe Ngawang Longtho in 2012 when we visited him. At that time, he was already quite thin, frail and weak. He gave us heartfelt advice and told us to keep His Holiness the Dalai Lama's precious teachings in mind. Inside his small room where almost 50 of us tried to huddle together, there were no dry eyes for most of us that day. Understandably, I knew it would be my last time seeing him. 

May Geshe-la continue to benefit many beings in all lifetimes wherever he chooses to take rebirth. He will be dearly missed. 

Good bye and see you soon, Geshe-la! 

The sunshine girl

I was catching up with a friend who just joined Facebook. We talked about a mutual friend, K, who just passed away less than 2 months ago. She was in her 30s. It was sudden death although she had heart problems all along. I did not know about it until after her passing. 

My friend told me that she was in frequent contact with K the whole time, especially the one month when she was not feeling well and before she passed away.  

She said, "The week before she went, she wanted to ask you out for makan (a meal), but even at that time, she was already not able to move around very well .... her legs were very swollen (due to hypertrophy of leg veins brought on by the problem with her heart valves)". 

I asked was she in any pain. My friend replied, "Nope... she was quite stoic and brave.... didn't really complain. Her passing was very swift, a shock to everyone but it was also really a blessing as there was no extreme lengthy suffering." 

She left during the Losar period (Tibetan new year) so it was quite a blessing, I think. I was not exactly that close to her but still, I felt quite sad. I did not even know she was sick. So her sudden death was a shock. The last time I saw her was about a year ago when we went for a Vietnamese dinner, and she truly enjoyed herself. K had wanted me to arrange another dinner date, but I did not managed to and now it is too late. Feeling a little guilty. K truly loved food, she always posted photos of food. She was a cheerful person with no ill intentions and she shared with me all her stories in whatsapp. She was the one who usually served the monks and nuns and bring them around when they visited Singapore. She also cooked for the gurus like His Holiness Sakya Trizin and other Rinpoches. She had volunteered her time and service in Dharma for many years.  

She posted this picture of the Sunshine Carebear in her Facebook recently just before her passing. I feel this is so her. Wherever she went, no matter what the weather, she always brought her own sunshine. Just as she had served the Gurus with delicious food in this lifetime, may she continue to serve the Gurus with a pure heart in all future lifetimes until enlightenment.  May she have a very good rebirth. Om mani padme hum. 

Identity crisis and pull-hair moments

Frankly I think my blog is having an identity crisis. This year is the 10th anniversary of my blog. What started as a totally unknown blog (I mean unknown to the people I know) has become quite a easily searchable blog when it's something about the Dharma. It's amazing I lasted so long, actually. My posts used to make up 50% on Dharma related stuff and 50% on food reviews or home cooking with some personal posts in between about anything under the sky. Now it seems that it's mostly about dharma related stuff I post (I got too lazy to write about food) and I write mostly about personal thoughts (who would be interested in my personal stuff, really?). Also I have not been blogging consistently for the past year. It always depends on my mood, because that's what a personal blog is about, isn't it? 

I'm not the same as the mainstream social media bloggers who have a focus, either it is usually a food blog, or beauty/fashion blog or travel blog or photography blog. And their presence are more known while I prefer to be low profile. There are only very very few bloggers who write about the Dharma, and they're almost all not from Singapore. Plus I hardly mix around with the current 'generation' of bloggers many whom I have known online for years. Irony much? 

I do love to write Dharma-related stuff  because my life revolves around it. And I still receive emails from readers who are very supportive, especially dharma friends. Most of them want me to continue writing. Yet I feel I'm absolutely not qualified to broach deeper into any specific dharma topics. I only share about events and the great teachers I have the fortune to receive teachings from. I am only able to share my own experience as a Buddhist practitioner yet I am totally incapable of advising readers on particular areas, aside from the usual mantras and certain practices and deities.   I'm not sure if I am benefiting and helping more people. 

I've been thinking of changing the blog's direction and name to focus solely on Dharma, yet I'm unwilling to stop the musings on my daily life, my thoughts, my emo moments, my special occasions, my food reviews etc. I'm unwilling to drop all these. I would like to change and adopt a simpler name for this blog or perhaps rename it simply as 'Stumpbo's Tushita', for Stumpbo is my online moniker anyway. Fellow bloggers know me as Stumpbo. Not many remember the actual name which is 'Life of Lopsided 8' (or LOL8). No one knows why it's named thus, and it has been shortened by some to being 'lopsided' blog (!!!!!!!). Also, maintaining my Stumpbo Facebook account and LOL8 page is time consuming and driving me nuts, as I'm more active on my other actual account. More decisions (*pull hair*). 

The thing is, my real life friends in my other actual FB account seldom post stuff apart from a few. 90% of them are almost dormant. I gather they mostly like to check out and stalk others but not enthusiastic to post anything themselves (most are concerned about online privacy or they prefer to be low profile/secretive/conservative). Quite preferential and selective cliques. Most do not usually bother to click 'Like' or comment, but however, when they meet you, they do remember your posts and might be curious about them. Also, their once-in-a-blue-moon posts would only be if they have taken photos with, say the President of the United States or some special VIPs. This makes my timeline pretty boring (apart from informative posts by FB pages). Hardly earth shattering. In comparison, Stumpbo's friends, being active in social media and bloggers, are used to posting updates constantly, sharing photos and news on a daily regular basis. There's friendly sharing. That's how I get instant news about the happenings of anyone, anything, everything. I appreciate our online interactions, something which my real life friends will never understand.In my actual account, I sometimes feel like a bozo who always share photos and stuff. These are just precious memories to me for keeps (plus it's easier to search for old photos if need be). But I often wonder if my friends feel that I'm showing off or I share too many links/posts or if I'm hoarding their timeline. They may not post anything but I know they are constantly surfing Facebook. Ironically, it's in Stumpbo's account and online friends who make me feel more normal. Although I've started to consider deleting Stumpbo's account off and adding closer online friends to my real life account, I am still hesitant of abandoning it. 

Of course it is entirely each individual's freedom how they would like to behave online. And although many may feel Facebook is just another social media platform and nothing that important to be concerned about, I beg to differ. In order to sustain the popularity of an app, there must be something useful it can provide, daily news, sharing and updates of friends, keeping in touch etc. Otherwise it will die off sooner but other new apps will emerge and still mushroom. I've always been one of those pioneer users of any social media apps when they first launched, like Facebook, Twitter, Google+, Posterous, Tumblr, Whatsapp, etc... The cycle is never ending. If you can't stop them, join them. Recently I have an unusual increase of strangers adding me and sending me overly friendly messages which I totally ignore. Privacy is never an issue to me because there are security settings I can manage. Likewise, we can manage our online relationship and interaction with tact, and still maintain friendship both online and offline. There's nothing to be fearful about. 

Maybe I've become jaded to a certain extent that I crave change. Often I take the high road in normal situations. I would not be coerced to write stuff I don't feel anything for. I also don't care too much of any mainstream social media events. I hardly socialise. I hardly advertise for any commercial products or services. I hardly please anyone for the sake of pleasing. Sometimes this doesn't sit well with people. But as long as I stick to writing and doing what I feel is right, I'm not bothered. 

Anyway it's times like now that blurs the line between online and real life. My online life has become an integral part of my life and it is important enough for me to put more serious thought into when I settle this momentary identity crisis of this blog. Or maybe, just maybe, it's time to pack up and call it a day, and stop writing totally. 

Meow. 

Dope I am

Time can really change many things. A couple of days ago, I had this inexplicable realisation, one of extreme bliss and happiness. I don't know why. I know it's such a contrast to my earlier posts. Alas such is all-pervasive suffering  (as taught by the Buddha). 

Often we are made to feel happy, or sad or many other forms of emotions by the mere thought of something, someone or just anything. I realise that's terrifying. For example, I thought of a dearest friend, and I'm filled with extreme joy everything regarding this friend. Then I can also feel frustration or anger whenever I thought of another person who caused me such distress merely because of a tiny incident. I have such intense inclinations to emotions that I know they are not helping me at all, all these extreme moments of joy and sadness. I'm forever searching for that certain equilibrium which has been eluding me. What have I been searching for in order to feel 'neutral'? In order not to be so fixated at extreme ends of my moods. This task of searching for this inner me, is perhaps the most intense lesson I've experienced for zillions of lifetimes. And the very reason that I'm still searching. It is understanding and finding the most innermost me, the mind. Not the merely labelled me but the innermost me which has been struggling for eons and yet been such a failure in overcoming all the emotions. 

That day, when I felt that certain elated bliss, I realised that whatever negative thoughts and emotions I've been having were simply just silly. Whatever thoughts I had, I will eventually rid of them. They will never stay too long. Along with this realisation, also accompanied by regret of the actions I've done with those mere thoughts. Even at the point of committing such thoughts and acts, I knew it was wrong yet I still allowed myself to feel thus. That's the most regretful. I'm such a dope. Haha. 

An excerpt from the Tibetan Book of Living and Dying: 

"How hard it can be to turn our attention within! How easily we allow our old habits and set patterns to dominate us! Even though they bring us suffering, we accept them with almost fatalistic resignation, for we are so used to giving in to them. We may idealize freedom, but when it comes to our habits, we are completely enslaved.

Still, reflection can slowly bring us wisdom. We may, of course, fall back into fixed repetitive patterns again and again, but slowly we can emerge from them and change."

Ok I'm done. Just wanted to pen the above flying thoughts aka realisation aka inspiration of the moment. 

What makes me happy

Perhaps a cliche subject but I'm going to try to come up with as many as possible. Because...... just because I had the worst past few days lying in bed (in between work, very brief errands and prayers) with cough, stuffy nose, fever and excruciating bodyache. So I got to cheer myself up by thinking happy thoughts.

1. Having late night suppers with friends, in fact any meals with friends. I used to hang out in Old Hong Kong with my BFFs for supper and we had chat till past midnight because they were open 24 hours (I mean the cafe, and my friends too! Haha!)

2. Witnessing friends who show random acts of kindness towards strangers. I've a friend who always touched me with her kindness and compassion towards old people, ie. she always walk up to the elderly person who is peddling some stuff on the street or selling something in a stall, she had just drop in some cash. So she's my source of inspiration and model.

3. Happy photos. Naturally I like to remember the good times of the photos I've taken, with people/animals I care about or had fun with. Sometimes seeing even photos of the food I had with some friends makes me happy (some friends do not understand why I should snap photos of food every time or they do not like their photos to be taken). But precisely because most photos are taken when one's happy and not when one's in a lousy mood. And it is often the company that matters, happy photos, happy times, happy imprints. 

4. When gurus remember me. A little narcissistic but anyone would feel happy when someone whom you admire or in awe of, recognises you and remembers you through his huge smile and excited eyes. So what more, when my very own guru, whom I hold dearly as the Buddha, talk to me, blesses me or knocks his head gently on mine, and ask how I am. 

5. Winning 4D/Toto or any forms of cash/gifts. I'm being practical, haha! But let me assure you it's shortlived (although I still dream of winning a car or condo one day, haha). When I received cheques from Google, it's a reminder that my dying blog is still being appreciated. In fact I'm just thankful it's still consistently garnering more than 1000 hits per day. I think it's auto pilot now. 

6. Chubby little kids, especially little chubby baby boys. I don't know why but I love their innocent eyes and so pinchable cheeks and their baby smell. I had my share of babysitting my younger cousins and niece and nephew and those moments still bring back lovely memories. 

7. Reading something and it suddenly hits me with some understanding /realisation (eureka! moment). Especially so regarding the Dharma. I may not be the most intelligent person around, I'm not an outspoken person and I don't ask lots of questions. In our society of assessing people by their outspokenness or smart quips, I think I'm a dying breed. I just prefer to put my thoughts into writing rather than spontaneous outbursts/blurbs. 

8. Divine help. Naturally if one believes in the divine, one would be blissed out. Take for example, the other day, I was late for an appointment and decided to take a cab.  I saw the spot which was usually quite easy to flag a cab (not a taxi stand) had two guys already there waiting. And right at that moment another 3 ladies arrived and chose to wait for a cab right before me! My initial thought was 'shit!' but decided to pray for divine help from a certain Dharma protector. I had decided to pray that those 5 people in front of me quickly get their cabs fast so that I might be able to get mine too. Just barely a minute after I muttered my prayers, one cab came and the first guy got in. Another cab also arrived, and while the other guy and the 3 ladies before me were flagging furiously, it went past them and stopped right in front of me. Prayers answered (I've often tried this and it worked 90% of the time). ;)

9. Going places. The destination doesn't have to be somewhere in another country, as long as it's a place which brings back nostalgic happy memories. But I think travelling always makes one happy. I am in awe of holy places in India and Nepal. I always remember trips with friends to Turkey, Dubai, and nearby Bangkok and Malaysia. And I'll never forget family trips to the entire Europe, China and Australia. 

10. No airs. no flares, an equal society. Ideally in an equilibrium state of society, we do not wish the see the ugliness and suffering of mankind manifesting. I would very much like to see that in any organisation, or social scene, but sadly it's not to be. However at rare times I do see that it does exist. Take for instance, when my father was hospitalised for more than a month in Tan Tock Seng Hospital, the medical team as well as the support staff took excellent care of him physically. Despite limited resources of the hospital at times, whether the patient is rich and influential, or poor, he/she receives the same equal amount of care and attention with no biasness, no flare ups, no inconsistencies. This is what our world should be about, something I hope to witness more. 

Be unshakeable like a vajra

《清明》
清明时节雨纷纷，
路上行人欲断魂。
借问酒家何处有，
牧童谣指杏花村。
-- 杜牧

Today is Qing Ming. It always rain on Qing Ming day. I heard it's been so for thousands of years.

I think this is going to be an emo post. 

I've been coughing for like almost a month, almost recovered and yesterday it got worse. So I went to see the doctor again who gave me antibiotics this time (earlier visit doctor refused to prescribe them). 

A day before, I visited two temples for Qing Ming prayers to my ancestors and grandparents. This year was the first time I went alone as I told my parents to stay home. My father is still recuperating at home, and my mother is also tired, so in order to reassure them and to make them happy, I told them I had go on their behalf. As a Buddhist I believe my ancestors had long taken rebirth. Burning paper items and offering food to them might not help much. However, doing prayers as well as making special incense offering and dedicating the merits to them would help them as well as other beings even if they are reborn in the higher realms or stuck in the lower realms. I wonder how long this Chinese tradition will last though, if it has become a 'chore' or 'duty' to the younger generation. 

I don't mean to sound like a baby, but I've not been in good health recently, plus I encountered quite a number of unfortunate  incidents in between. Blows after blows. Physically, I feel breathless and limp, never have I been like this before as I'm usually strong, fearless and healthy. Nowadays  I feel easily cold that I've to wear a scarf almost all the time! Moreover I have been sleep deprived for a few months. Although it is not that serious yet, but if this carries on, coupled with my cough, I just cannot imagine. 

Not having good physical health has its impact on mental health too. That's why I've been emotional, sad, frustrated and disappointed on many occasions. I feel that I just want to get out of this suffering state and leave. I asked some friends, why I always meet so many obstacles which are manifesting non stop, despite all the good virtuous deeds I try to do. Despite trying to study and practise the Dharma. Even then I meet problems still.  I often observe, many are richer and privileged, they are enjoying good reputation and social status and in the good books of their bosses and organisations, and they might not be even keen on charity work to benefit others. I know there is no point for comparison. The Buddhist point of view attributes all these to their good karma, something they've done right in their past lives to enjoy the present. I know it is not right to feel slighted in this way but when times are down, I still cannot help but be shaken and very discouraged. I would not know what is fair or not until samsara ends, as the cause and conditions always change. 

I hope I'm still planting some good seeds for my future lives. Anyway I just know that I need to get out of this current rut very soon. It's about time. 

A flash of thought

Finally the so-called 'busy' happening period is over. So much realisations this first quarter of the year, not all good or bad, just that life goes on. Perhaps I've encountered much tribulations these few years that if anything happens, or gets any worse, I am actually immuned to it. Maybe 'numb' or 'stoned' would be a better description. Knowing it's karma and remaining not resigned to its workings should be a positive move forward. Karma can change and if we change, it will be better in future, or tomorrow. We don't know what we did in the past to deserve what we did now, but we can always strive to improve for the future.

I've been trying to bounce back to my younger days of being happy-go-lucky and carefree, with the freedom to do whatever I like, going wherever I like, but I realise it's a thing of the past. It's not possible. Because the different experiences I had are different from what I had experienced in the past. Turning back the clock would not guarantee you could avoid all the unhappy stuff from getting to you, but rather it might be worse; maybe another set of unhappy events would arise instead. So it's back to square one. 

Many of us like to protect ourselves from being hurt, from our so-called enemies or perpetrators, and would find ways just to prevent others from getting into our comfort zone. However we are often most hurt by those closest to us. 

One positive way of looking at disasters or unhappy episodes is to view all these from the perspective of the other party. To me, I guess this helps me to understand better where the other party is coming from. Whether I am agreeable to the method adopted is another question. It doesn't matter. Each of us has our own process of staying grounded to our beliefs. 

I think I'm fortunate in a way that I always have people looking out for me all the time, helping me in both worldly and spiritual matters. Whenever I'm in trouble, people will appear to comfort me, help me in all ways possible and even dedicated prayers to me. Some just merely by their presence. I always know I have the blessings and protection of the Gurus, Buddhas, Bodhisattvas and Protectors. They appear to me in different forms, and mostly as the human form, through the benefactors I meet. 

Recently I did one of those online tests which asked you to identify a crystal which you are most drawn to and the meaning behind the chosen crystal represents your inner self. I was most drawn to a crystal in the chart called Chrysocolla and what they said about my choice was pretty accurate .... 

"A natural healer, you prefer to retreat to a quiet place undisturbed by problems and worries when things and people upset you. Others do not often understand your need for reflection and solitude, but these attributes and aspects are necessary for you to fulfill your purpose here. When you are in a more social mode, you are charming, given to deep emotions and have a highly-developed sense of intuition. Trust your instincts more, and your thoughts and purpose will follow."

That's right. It's true, and all quite accurate. I'm reminded to trust my instincts more. My intuition or gut feel rarely fails me. And yes, I need to retreat to be by myself at times to reflect, to recharge, and to reconnect back. But when I'm with others at a social setting I can be charming or chatty. But I always listen to what people have got to say, because most want to be heard. 

Anyway, I'm reminded to trust my own instincts because my own inner gut feel or intuition knows better than my gross outer self. Continue to do good, continue to help others, continue to do what I think is right (and care less of what others think). Continue to trust those who I love and have faith in. Continue to contribute and accumulate merits through virtuous deeds. It's only when my 'box' of merits is full then will I be able to eradicate or purify all the unfortunate circumstances. The method is pretty straightforward and simple. There's no 2-ways about it. 

I'll end with a quote by Thich Nhat Hạnh which I found touching:  

I know that for thousands of lifetimes,
You and I have been one,
And the distance between us,
Is only a flash of thought.

Coming from Thich Nhat Hạnh, it is part of a spiritual message and not of any romantic connotation whatsoever. Think of who has been the 'one' with us for eons of lifetimes. I think I know who. Do you? 

Bleeding heart

Familiar places became a stoic past. 
Enamoured faces replaced with impassive aloofness. 
Intense feelings beget emptiness. 
Even as the deep hurt could not be erased completely, 
The causes should not be completely ignored. 
Compassion and clinging often intertwined. 
External struggles a losing game to the bleeding heart. 
The innermost world, however, remained unfettered. 
A voyeur of the past, embrace this moment. 

Post note: 

Wrote the above during the wee hours of morning of a working day and a stressful week and a hectic period. One of those times when I become inspirational and 'poetic'. Incidentally, these heart-shaped flowers I fancy are known as 'bleeding hearts', and they are poisonous. No one knows our own struggles better than us. Thus we alone are responsible to find the solution to our bleeding poisoned heart. No one else. 

In addition, as a reminder to myself.... always believe in the truth. My guru Dagyab Rinpoche says, practising Bodhicitta shouldn't make you weak or foolish. It should make you strong. In order to be strong, you need to be indestructible. If you're right, you're right. If you think you've been hurt or wronged, you can always challenge it. However you need to have a calm peaceful mind and not destroy your own composure.

What does the fox say? Ring-a-ding-ding-ding-ding to 2013

I just can't wait for 2013 to be over. It has been a mixed year of extremes. I experienced so much joy and happiness at times and then at other times, much sadness and disappointment (then again, what's new?). I'll have to say, regretfully, I'm ending the snake year with a tinge of blue.  

Was trying to recollect the year from my Facebook postings since I didn't blog much this year. I'll probably do a run through before the week is over and 2014 sets in.

2013 would be considered the year of change, great change. I've already blogged in an earlier post that it has been a year of death (about 11 people I know have passed on since late 2012). Often it's not the death that brings about an end of things. It's the changes that resulted from death itself. 

Everything seemed to have crumbled in the last quarter. That's perhaps also why I've not been blogging much. Writing doesn't seem that important anymore although it has always been my strength. But I think it's time to break my silence, after a long hiatus. Writing enables me to come to terms with how I feel with what actually happened. Hopefully it helps me to move on. 

Friends come and leave, and after a while it doesn't seem that important anymore, even though they had been a pillar of strength. At times, maybe I could have handled certain situations better instead of being upset that people are not efficient and responsible enough. With each episode, I would contemplate and analyse what had gone wrong in the process. From the sequence of the incidents that happened, I could trace when it started exactly but baffled by the unnecessary reaction and attention it received. Perhaps I am not aware of what happened in between. Or perhaps it got blown out of proportion, whether by orthodox or unorthodox methods. 

But as always, truth prevails. A friend advised me that even when we are being misunderstood, we should just swallow our pride and accept it. The truth will come to light one day. Even if we have done wrong or no wrong, we shall refrain from speculating and casting stones at others as a reflex reaction. I find myself struggling with that but I know it's true. We can control our thoughts and actions. We cannot control others' actions and reaction. The more important thing is, we should not provide others or ourselves the chance to spin off more negativity that is detrimental to all parties. 

I checked my own intentions of doing each task when helping others, especially those who desperately needed my help. I think I've tried to do my best each time despite my own personal problems, difficulties and obstacles, as well as limited capabilities. I'm sorry that I might have hurt some people I truly respect in the process. But I realise if I'm not important enough to be told the truth then there's no point in asking or pursuing the matter anymore. I guess not everyone knows how important they are to me. In assessing friendship, I would think of the many instances of time spent together, the sharing, the camaraderie, affinity and trust and genuine loving kindness etc.... rather than just be upset with one episode of disagreement. I thought genuine friends are above that, all the temporary conflicts which are inevitable. What matters most is, after everything, we can still sit down and talk, without avoiding. I would never give up on certain friends, no matter how deeply I was hurt. 

Dharma practice calls for patience and to subdue our own deluded mind. Of course I am not a good practitioner yet. I'm struggling to tame my monkey elephant donkey giraffe (whatever animal) mind.... Anyway, no matter what, as long as my conscience is clear, I should not dwell too much in it. I guess we cannot always draw the line clearly. Just as we cannot draw the boundaries in our heart on how we feel. When a friend makes us sad, do not forget all the good things he/she has done for you. Hence a genuine friend will stay in my heart forever, no matter what happens. 

My primary lesson from 2013 - to let go of the past and move on to worthy projects and endeavours. There are a lot of people who need help. Quit thinking for ourselves, the self-cherishing 'i'. I am already fortunate to have the support of many people even though we may not be that close. May all auspicious conditions ripen and all obstacles/interferences be eradicated so that I can continue to practise the Dharma. May I continue to receive teachings from my Gurus and to be able to serve them without any obstructions. 

Can't wait for the sneaky snake to slither away and for the horse to gallop in. Lifting my head high towards a fresh beginning. 

Eclipse day and an update!

Today 3 Nov 2013 is the last eclipse of this year. Whenever there is an eclipse it is a very auspicious day for prayers and doing everything positive in order to create merits. This is because on eclipse days, whatever merits you create is multiplied by thousands or millions times. For today the solar eclipse is between Singapore time 6.05pm to 11.28pm. The eclipse peaks at 8.49pm. 

I had such a restful Sunday, recuperating from very bad shoulder pain for the past few weeks. It was so bad that I could not turn to my right or left when sleeping. I had to sleep face up. Luckily my sleep was not compromised. Anyway I feel so much better today. I even mopped the floor and packed my room. By the way I have a new room layout again. Whenever I feel the need for change to improve the energy of the room, I will rearrange my furniture again. Diehard hobby. 

I did not consciously intend to be vegetarian today. However, coincidentally my brunch was fried black carrot cake and that lasted until dinner and my mom cooked Sayur Lodeh (curry mixed vegetables). So in the end it turned out to be a non-meat day which is just right for today. 

Happiness is sending little blessed gifts by post to a friend in Norway, whom I just got acquainted with online. Feels like the old days when the only way to keep in touch with pen pals is writing long letters and sending by snail mail. Today I received a message from her that the parcel has arrived!  Although the gifts do not cost much but they have been consecrated and blessed by the Rinpoches, thus each item has special significance, they are priceless. My friend said she was both overwhelmed and touched. :)

In the late afternoon I went to run an errand and to buy some necessities from Parkway Parade. I am so happy Daiso the $2 shop has opened an outlet there. Managed to get some stuff to 'revamp' my personal altar. I need to do up the 'ceiling' of the altar. Also to finally get the lights on the altar fixed once and for all. The previous colorful lights had stopped working yesterday. So I finally found a solution to the type of lights I like, ie. flat LED light in the form of a wand-like stick instead of those in strips which I was eyeing. Again I did all these without knowing today is an eclipse day until a Dharma friend sent me a sms about it.

So I got home, fixed the lights and 'ceiling', cleaned my altar thoroughly, and rearranged my precious dharma books and cabinet. Since my personal altar is so small and I have many beautiful blessed photos of Buddhas and holy objects, it is often a tussle in deciding which ones to put up. Apart from Lama Tsongkhapa statue, the photos sometimes change. That is why my altar 'design' is always slightly different. Haha! Here's a glimpse of the latest arrangement.  I always feel very blissful looking at all the holy objects in my altar. 

So on this eclipse day, after dinner at 8pm I started to do an extensive session of my daily prayers followed by extensive dedication. I feel so good and extremely happy afterwards. And here I am blogging about it.

It has been hectic for the past 3 over months (in fact come to think about it, hectic this entire year). In addition, this year is officially the year of death. I did a count. Since the end of last year 2012 until last week, there is a total of 11 people that I know of passing away. I hope there is no more for now. 

Just last week, an aunt of mine passed away suddenly, and that was really a shock to everyone. Last Sunday, as she was bathing, she fainted and just passed away. The scan showed it was coronary artery disease. Something ruptured near her heart. My 75 year old aunt was very health conscious, very healthy with no prior sickness. She had a very healthy diet, and the food she cooked was always very bland with no oil. She exercised daily and she could walk faster than any of us youngsters. Although we did not meet often, I know my aunt doted me. The last she called me was in late August when I was busy at the Grand Puja. I missed her call and I forgot to return call. So I am feeling quite guilty now. May my aunt have a good perfect human rebirth as soon as possible and continue to practise the Dharma again. 

That is why I termed this year as the Year of Death. I have learned a precious lesson on impermanence within such a short period. By becoming aware of impermanence, by observing it and by understanding it, we can then find a suitable remedy for the sorrow of human life and achieve liberation the quickest possible from the process of impermanence. Om mani padme hum.

Happiness at all times

I was waiting at the bus stop. From afar, I saw this young, pretty and fair girl with long hair, wearing a bright flowery turquoise dress, walking towards the bus stop. She was walking with an awkward limp, guided by her friend. Both were chatting happily. I notice she looked so cheerful, so radiant, full of smiles, laughter and happiness. 

This is a big difference compared to most of us, the normal able-bodied humans, who look so drab, solemn and miserable as we go about our daily chores, going to work or meetings, at the bus stop or in the train. If only we can exude such happiness and joy with life at all times. Value and cherish our life no matter how much discomfort and pain we feel.  

100% in the present

Sharing this beautiful photo posted by a friend in FB and her message: "Today I walked the same trail but with a different mindset. To be 100% in the present ... no mobile, no music, just being.... It was a new discovery, an absolute feast to the senses! Note to self: Be 100% in the present and resist the iPhone and all its distractions when with the family and friends..."

My dying friend

It is painful to watch life wither away slowly. Often, I'm not sure the dying suffers more or those who are alive watching the dying suffer. The fragility of life. The impermanence of life. 

I have known my 57-year-old Dharma sister for about 4 years. Comparing the chatty person she used to be to what she is now, is a completely different picture. She was the chilli padi who would not mince her words at certain times. She was a real live wire who would talk nonstop. She often describes herself as 'a monkey who cannot sit still, jump here and there'. The only time she is quiet is during a puja/teaching or when her guru is in front of her. She would spend hours just telling me stories of her gurus as well as their kindness. She herself has a kind heart. She would not hesitate spending money on beautiful offerings for her gurus. The material offerings she offered would always be delicately carved or chosen from the best quality. She is never worried about not making enough money, for it would only mean driving a longer 12-hour shift in her taxi. And most of her hard-earned money was offered to her gurus, or the Sangha community or charitable causes. She told me she drove a taxi because she could share the Dharma with her passengers, giving them little holy objects or sharing her wonderful experience with them. Even on her dying bed now, she is still thinking about her gurus and how to make offerings to them. In this aspect, I do admire her pure motivation. 

Last time, she used to drive me in her taxi to her favourite eating places. One of them is the Yong Tau Foo stall in Geylang Bahru. She always had her usual order 'customised', yong tau foo pieces in soup, and dry bee hoon on a separate plate, with no oil and no lard. She also likes the Teochew bee hoon fishball soup in Beach Road, with just fishballs and minced meat, and without fishcake. She is always hungry and she has a ravenous appetite. When she cooks at home, she would stir fry a huge plate of vegetables and a simple bowl of soup, and down 3 bowls of rice. She told me she is a 'png tang' (teochew for 饭桶). When she was undergoing her chemo-therapy treatment a few months ago, she wanted to go to a Korean restaurant in Katong, to have Samyetang, the best korean ginseng chicken soup, so I accompanied her there. Both of us had our own huge pot of the ginseng chicken soup and dozen of tiny dishes. Afterwards I brought her to a cafe and asked her to try the mixed berries panna cotta for dessert, which she totally loved. She was really very happy that day.  

Four years ago when I just got to know her, she told me upfront, she was not one who made friends easily, as she preferred to be alone after she was first diagnosed with cancer about 5 years ago. She did not like people to talk too much to her (I think it was because she would be the one talking most of the time, haha!). So as her friend, I am the listener. Although we have differing opinions at times, I know she trusts me. A few weeks ago, I visited her when she was first admitted to the hospice, and before I left, she held me my hand tightly, and kept thanking me, 'Thanks for coming to see me. I really really appreciate it. You know you are very close to me, right?'. I held back my tears because I did not want her to be sad and did not want her to see me sad. I broke down only when I went outside. 

Watching my friend suffering from the ravages of cancer now is a stark reminder to put our Dharma knowledge into practice. Seeing friends come together to offer prayers and concern for our friend, and everyone's earnest efforts in doing their part is really heartwarming. Troops and troops of friends come to see her almost daily, offering prayers, holy objects and food. I see how a couple of friends give her massages to soothe her aching pain from the cancer and morphine injections. The lumps on her are becoming more apparent, turning red and then to darkish colour. She is becoming weaker, tires easily, and sleepy all the time. However painful it is, she does not complain much at all. 

I was telling my mom how my friend has different cravings now, like she had asked me to buy her prawn noodles from Joo Chiat, and mee tai mak soup, and then cup noodles, and pomelo. My mom told me, 'Just get her what she wants. Whatever she wants to eat, let her eat. Just do'. That is what I am trying to do. Despite the emotions and some disturbing episodes I encounter during this period, I am just trying to fulfill a dying person's wishes, no matter how small a request it may be. My main motivation is to help a Dharma friend. She has been kind to me, and I should repay her kindness in return.  

May my friend be in a peaceful state despite her pain, and I hope that when the time comes, may her departure towards a better future life be smooth and blissful. May everyone around her ensure a quiet and calm environment for her, devoid of sadness and tears, for at the point of death, it is most crucial that the dying should not be disturbed as her consciousness prepares to take rebirth for her next life. No matter how long or short our life is, this is just another phase before we are born again. Om mani padme hum! 

The act of kindness from strangers

One of the best moments when I am volunteering is meeting familiar faces even though I do not exactly know them by name. This happened 2 weeks ago during the Grand Puja at MBS (organised by Gaden Shartse Dro-Phen Ling) when Zong Rinpoche was in town for the very first time. Being stationed at the booth all the time literally means devotees will come to me instead of me approaching them. 

Over the years, I always meet the 'regulars' who appear only during the Grand Pujas as well as those I meet every weekend. Truly I'm thankful for and rejoice in their generosity in contributing to the Dharma.  My very first 'regular' devotee on the very first day of the event every Grand Puja would always be this lady named C. She would look for me and always contributed $500 or more, without fail.  

From the previous event, I remember a shabbily dressed thin old man wearing a cap who took a long time to unwrap his money from a tightly wrapped little plastic bag inside his worn and torn wallet. To my surprise he eventually forked out $50. This time round, he was here again, exactly the same, slow in movement but so generous in contributing his part. Besides money, he even sponsored a wealth vase upon my recommendation. I'm really touched by his support.   

Perhaps the most heartwarming experience this time would be the White Bearded Uncle. During the previous event, I had a hard time with him. Accompanied by a younger lady, the old uncle was edgy and sarcastic, asking me many questions. This time, I could not recognise him until the kind lady besides him asked me smilingly, "do you remember him?" .... It took me just a few seconds and looking at White Bearded Uncle, I exclaimed, "Oh yes!!! I remember you, uncle! The uncle who scolded me!", and I laughed.  White Bearded Uncle gave me a huge happy smile. He was incredibly nice this time and I made a friend. I guess they realised the benefits and merits of attending all the pujas in this grand event and I am happy they came back. 

Another acquaintance sent me a touching message in Whatsapp, thanking me for introducing her to a Rinpoche who is truly a great master and she found peace and joy at having found her guru finally. I have had many random friends/acquaintances whom I met thanking me for introducing kind gurus to them either from my blog or through our conversations. And whenever we meet, they would share with me their wonderful experience and they would sometimes shower me with little gifts or food/snacks or holy objects. It makes me feel truly blessed and thankful. 

All these encounters cannot compare to the material success/happiness, or the downs and disappointments we experience in the other aspects of our life. Sometimes it is ironical that those people who are strangers whom we do not know personally appear to be the most kind and supportive. When close friends or loved ones are supportive of you, it is kind of 'expected'. But when strangers are supportive, it is one of the greatest joys one could ever feel. Sometimes we don't even have the support of those we love so much, yet we get so much love and respect from those we don't even know. In fact, getting the 'endorsement' from strangers beats not getting the support from close ones a 100-times more. I hope to be able to continue to realise these simple joys and to be able to use such experience to help me understand the fragility of life in order to improve in my practice. 

A BIG thank you to all my 'regulars' for your immense support towards the Three Jewels, the Sangha community and the monastery! Rejoice in your merits and thank you for the slight brush of affinity with me in this very lifetime. Om mani padme hum! 

A whiff of red

I was drawn to this scene of spectacular colours and moved to write....



Impending nightfall, 
Myriad of stars livened up 
The solemn dark skies, 
Dusk in a distance, 
Solitary tree's haunting presence, 
A whiff of red, 
Billowing around, 
A whiff of life, 
Sauntering through the woods, 
Replica of this reflection, 
Upon the stillness 
Of an almost non-existent lake. 


 28 July 2013.

是你变了吗?

Today is 观音诞 the day Guan Yin (Avalokiteshvara) attained Enlightenment. I'm very blessed and thankful that I've met many Bodhisattvas in the human form in this lifetime. May their Compassion grow in me so that I can practice in the same way as them, with Bodhicitta. 

The first song I heard from the radio this morning was 是你变了吗？by 光良 Guang Liang, and it has been playing in my head the whole day. In a way, I thought I should contemplate and ask myself if I have changed (for the better) in any way. 是我变了吗？ Has my mind been slowly transformed or am I still the same? That, I think should be of the greatest concern.

A meaningful day spent. 

'Like' it or not

I have been observing... what people post and/or what they like in Facebook.  Usually the same group of just a few friends (maybe not even close friends) will always 'Like' what you post.  Sometimes you notice only someone or certain people will only click Like on certain friends' posts and not others at all. At times it makes me wonder, are they liking for the sake of just liking what they see/read (it was a fantastic post) or they are liking because they like the person who posted and want to be supportive, or they just want to be in the good books of the person (in other words, curry favour). Furthermore the same person will always have something to comment in addition to liking the post, while ignoring the rest of the world.

You had be surprised at your discovery once you get the hang of the 'pattern' or 'trait'. I must say, I'm just a little whimsical and bemused. In a weird way, it teaches me how the world is always changing whether you like it or not. It teaches me about  impermanence. The only realisation is coming to terms with the reality of life and then struggling to embrace it. The wonderful realisation of what a mere click can uncover...

Thoughts at 5am

No I'm not promoting for Ben & Jerry. But I got this message from my friend at 3am+ last night because she was craving for ice cream. She sent it via Whatsapp to a group chat. Because of this message alert, I woke up and wasn't able to get back to sleep till 5am!

When I grumbled to the group, another friend told me to silent my whatsapp alert, as according to her, "Whatsapp is nothing but another mode of communication. It's not life and death even if not attended to immediately".

I disagree, because why should I silent my whatsapp alert on the mobile phone just so that I don't get disturbed in the middle of the night? Due to the nature of my job, it can be a "matter of life and death", that's why I need to standby most of the time, which is why I rather not turn off the alert on my whatsapp. However, I do not wish to be awakened because of ice cream!

Anyway after I had fallen asleep again, I think about 5am+ or 6am+, in my drowsy sleepy mode, I heard a very familiar voice calling my name quite a few times. I was consciously still in my dream/sleep mode. I know the person very well, and I was very happy to hear 'that voice'.

So you see, the way we react, we can experience different moods from irritation to happiness within a very short span of time. We should try to tone down our excitement, both the good and bad. Once we contain our moods, we can manage our reaction better, as well as taming our mind.