Tuesday, 27 May 2014

Funnily contradictory suchness

Everything changed. Not exactly overnight but I think it's drastic enough. Topsy turvy. I've got to admit, I didn't see it coming. 

I mean, my life has changed, yet again. Not just on the home front, but myself personally. It's funny but over the last few years, everything ripened quite rapidly and drastically for me. Perhaps too fast for my liking. Ironically, with every setback I meet (and many of them!), I get even more immune to how bad each situation is. In a way, that's good. When it's bad enough, how worse can it get, right? 

Now that the family has to become a caregiver to my father, there are so many adjustments and changes to be made. My father's condition (too complicated to elaborate) has stabilised but he will never recover and be normal again. It will only deteriorate with old age. I am grateful to those who have been very supportive. 

Nowadays, because of my father, I need to get up at 6am. As such, I'm stoned by 9-10pm every night. Maybe in a way it's good. I get to sleep early and my body can replenish and recharge between the crucial hours of 10pm to 1am. Plus I get a good night's sleep and auto wake by 6am. 

I no longer have the energy or time to attend many dharma teachings or events which I love. On top of that, my work and daily schedule have also changed. Besides work and home, nobody would know or believe the other matters I encounter and have to deal with on a daily basis. Suddenly, everything I was doing in the past became a luxury. I wish I could turn back the clock but I guess whatever karma I have created previously to deserve this now, I still have to face it. There's no escaping. 

So in what way have I changed? I realise that the more I hold on so tightly to the things I am attached to, the more it causes me misery. Whatever I have learned from the past somehow proved that by surrounding myself with stuff and people I like, I may not necessarily be happy too. Sometimes it brings resentment instead, because attachment brings higher expectations, and once those expectations are not met, I am crushed. I have learned quite painfully that there is no fair play in this samsaric world. Only if we leave samsara, then we can see the final picture how the law of causality determines our fate. For now, I think I've seen a tiny bit of how that final big picture could be. That realisation rendered me amazed, bewildered, and made me touched and teared all at the same time. I cannot describe how that helpless feeling is, but it is also heartwarming. 

On the worldly side, as much as I do not like having to deal with all the unpleasant stuff now, I do not have a choice. Regrets and disappointments aplenty, but mostly with myself. I was really disheartened for a period of time but I chose to remain optimistic. I choose to remind myself to be happy. Be with only people who care. On a bigger perspective, I really wish to leave, to go somewhere for an indefinite period of time. To embark on something. I guess that will have to wait, for now. 

I just read a cute quote by weird Alibaba founder Jack Ma,

"Today is cruel. Tomorrow is crueler. But the day after tomorrow is beautiful."

Let's hope so.

1 comment:

  1. Hello Stumpbo your blog is amazing. I love every single article you wrote. really sad to know about your father...how is he now ?


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