Dope I am

Time can really change many things. A couple of days ago, I had this inexplicable realisation, one of extreme bliss and happiness. I don't know why. I know it's such a contrast to my earlier posts. Alas such is all-pervasive suffering  (as taught by the Buddha). 

Often we are made to feel happy, or sad or many other forms of emotions by the mere thought of something, someone or just anything. I realise that's terrifying. For example, I thought of a dearest friend, and I'm filled with extreme joy everything regarding this friend. Then I can also feel frustration or anger whenever I thought of another person who caused me such distress merely because of a tiny incident. I have such intense inclinations to emotions that I know they are not helping me at all, all these extreme moments of joy and sadness. I'm forever searching for that certain equilibrium which has been eluding me. What have I been searching for in order to feel 'neutral'? In order not to be so fixated at extreme ends of my moods. This task of searching for this inner me, is perhaps the most intense lesson I've experienced for zillions of lifetimes. And the very reason that I'm still searching. It is understanding and finding the most innermost me, the mind. Not the merely labelled me but the innermost me which has been struggling for eons and yet been such a failure in overcoming all the emotions. 

That day, when I felt that certain elated bliss, I realised that whatever negative thoughts and emotions I've been having were simply just silly. Whatever thoughts I had, I will eventually rid of them. They will never stay too long. Along with this realisation, also accompanied by regret of the actions I've done with those mere thoughts. Even at the point of committing such thoughts and acts, I knew it was wrong yet I still allowed myself to feel thus. That's the most regretful. I'm such a dope. Haha. 

An excerpt from the Tibetan Book of Living and Dying: 

"How hard it can be to turn our attention within! How easily we allow our old habits and set patterns to dominate us! Even though they bring us suffering, we accept them with almost fatalistic resignation, for we are so used to giving in to them. We may idealize freedom, but when it comes to our habits, we are completely enslaved.

Still, reflection can slowly bring us wisdom. We may, of course, fall back into fixed repetitive patterns again and again, but slowly we can emerge from them and change."

Ok I'm done. Just wanted to pen the above flying thoughts aka realisation aka inspiration of the moment.