Wednesday, 16 September 2009

Do I know me?

Was having a conversation with sis. She says she sees me as a smart and capable person who should not have any problem finding a very good job. She says, at least she feels I am 10 times more smarter than her etc etc..... Well, although I do not think that I am stupid, or that my sis is stupid, I always feel that she lacks a little self confidence, that's all. She is a thorough, detailed person who can produce lots of creative work, just that she needs help from me vetting some English at times. But really, thought her English is ok, and not that atrocious.  As for me, I see myself in having full confidence in certain things and totally no confidence in other things. Sometimes, I see myself not being in the ideal job that I want, or rather, the opportunities presented to me were not what I expected, or the lack of it in most cases. What is the ideal job to me anyway?

An ideal job to anyone should be one that pays damn well, one where the boss thinks highly of me and gives me plenty of opportunities to progress further up the corporate ladder, one where I enjoy plenty of privileges and benefits (eg. travelling), one where I can develop my creative ideas and management experience, and one that can motivates me continuously with a passion. These conditions are what most of us want for an ideal job. But often, what we get is a different combination of all these factors. You get a high pay, but you do not like the scope of the job. You get a low pay, but you enjoy the wonderful team spirit and friendship of your colleagues. You get plenty of opportunities to prove yourself on the job yet have to battle lots of politics along the way. You get the drift. Reality is, we cannot have best of all worlds.

My sis holds me in high esteem, I think, and has always feel I can find the best of jobs and opportunities with my prestigious certificate, and based on my PR skills, she feels that I should be able to have the best of all worlds. Of course this, I beg to differ. To me, an MBA is just a piece of paper, and I am not at that prestigious social standing as compared to the smooth-talking high flyers. Nor am I more successful in earning bigger bucks than some with only "O" levels or "A" levels.

On the other hand, I also learn that some friends' perception of me also differ. Throughout my school days, with my small group of close friends, I have always been the "blur one" to them (they nicknamed me "ah mong").  My friends, being very quick witted and smart, and more noisy than me, have always taken the lead in being very vocal about everything, anything under the sky. Hence, I for one, would end up being the quiet one (the one with not much opinion), so it appears that my friends tend to be more dominating and protective of me. For example, I let them decide where to go, what to eat etc... Looking back, I do admit at times, it makes me feel like I am being treated like a kid. During my happy-go-lucky moments, I do not mind and enjoy the pampering, you know, go with the flow. During my irritable moments, I would think "You think I'm so stupid, is it?" Once, a friend asked me to do her a favour in getting a number of legal tasks done and said hopefully I could settle everything for her in 7 days. Without knowing the know-how, it would have been a tough call. But I did what she wanted within 4 days, and she sms me "wow, you actually completed the thingy!" That sort of set me thinking.... "you mean, you expected me not to be able to complete it in the first place?" or do my friends think that such important stuff are beyond me? Hmm. To me, it was a simple case of whether I want to do it or not. And not a case of not being able to. That is a lot of difference.

So yet again, I learn that our own perceptions and others' are often contrastingly different. I guess what we need to do in order to improve ourselves is understanding more of ourselves through the eyes of others as well as understanding and accepting ourselves at the same time. Other people may not have the correct opinion of us, how they see us is totally different from how we see ourselves. And they may not necessarily be accurate in their "assessment" of us. As the saying goes, only we understand ourselves, only I understand myself. Or do I? I may have misinterpreted my friends' opinion of me, or maybe I just cannot accept it. As for myself, I understand myself well, but maybe I just cannot accept it too.
I guess in some ways, my sis is right. It is about whether I want to go and do something about whatever I am searching for, and not because I am too stupid to do so. Well, of course sis may not know all the problems I face, so it is easier said than done. But I get the picture.

And today, miraculously I received a piece of advise from someone. One, is to have an even better understanding towards myself and others. Second, is to be able to sacrifice myself in order to achieve what I want. Actually these 2 points I know are my weaknesses at times. By actually hearing this advise from someone sort of confirms my weaknesses. So I have to accept them and to move on.   :)

"Accept what comes to you totally and completely so that you can appreciate it, learn from it, and then let it go." - Deepak Chopra


  1. I've also been thinking a lot about sacrifice and figuring myself out. Funny thing, trying to know ourselves when we're always changing and growing. :) Good luck with your "studies"!

  2. From review your blog, i feel hungry indeed...many many many delicious food.


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