Feeling out of sorts these few days. Have not been blogging normal or other airy-fairy stuff, because I am pretty preoccupied and I am in no mood to write (even though I have plenty of backlog blog entries). Dharma teachings by Dagyab Rinpoche have begun, Lam Rim classes have begun, regular pujas have begun, more Dharma teachings by Lama Zopa Rinpoche as well in February, CNY is coming (besides spring cleaning, this is also the period where I study and implement feng shui cures for the CNY), and not to mention, the daily grind.
Usually when I attend Dharma teachings, the experience is generally blissful and I feel very high after each session (my stamina can last up to 12 hours in one sitting - credit goes to Lama Zopa Rinpoche's rigorous 'training', haha!). Each teaching makes me put on my thinking cap afterwards. Most of the times, whenever the teacher happens to broach on a certain topic, it is usually something I have been thinking about as well. So my questions get answered without me asking. However, this time, besides feeling blissful with the teachings, I am also filled with mixed emotions. It is because this time, I am really sad over Khen Rinpoche's condition and not being able to do anything else except by praying. It is because it is only 8 months ago that another of my guru, Lati Rinpoche, has left us physically and gone into Nirvana. Authentic gurus whom we have the affinity with are hard to come by and we wish they remain with us forever. In other words, everything is happening at the same time, and a couple of other matters are bothering me as well.
Whenever someone I know has been diagnosed with cancer, I am always reminded of the time when my father contracted cancer many years ago when he was in his early 50s. He had been passing out blood in his stools, and his weight has dipped drastically. When the doctors finally found out what was wrong, they had to remove one of his kidneys immediately. Thereafter, he was diagnosed with cancer somewhere near the kidney. He was given 6 months to live. I was the only one who knew. My mom, sis as well as my father himself were kept in the dark, because I did not want them to be worried. I was lucky my ex big boss was a doctor, and my ex immediate boss were both very supportive. They roped in the most famous oncologist in Singapore to look after my father. My father was very fortunate that after a year of undergoing chemotherapy and rest, he went into remission from cancer. He survived.
Since that time, I do not like the feeling of helplessness. You realise there are some things in life which are beyond your control. You realise how fragile life is, how some things, some people can be taken away from your life all of a sudden. You realise how fragile life is (multiply that by 100 times) when even your own guru, who possesses the ability, clairvoyance and power to heal so many people who are suffering, is himself also battling health obstacles. You realise the impermanence of life. Then you realise that you are feeling sad, disturbed and distressed, and all these are due to attachment. As Buddhists, we are supposed to be free of attachments, although it does not mean we have to abandon our loved ones. The Buddha taught that seeing oneself and everything else this way is a delusion. And it is this delusion that is the deepest cause of our unhappiness. It is because we mistakenly see ourselves as separate from everything else that we "attach". To cut the story short, see..... I am not supposed to feel attached to the person who has taught me non-attachment. Such is the irony of life. I am obviously not a good student.
Anyway, I know I will be alright. Life moves on. I heard this year of the Rabbit is going to be a smashing year for me. Then again, I should stop thinking about me, me, me all the time. I quote Dagyab Rinpoche, "Self cherishing is the door to all your problems. Cherishing others is the door to all happiness". Now, let me go and learn to cherish others more without feeling too attached to them.