I just can't wait for 2013 to be over. It has been a mixed year of extremes. I experienced so much joy and happiness at times and then at other times, much sadness and disappointment (then again, what's new?). I'll have to say, regretfully, I'm ending the snake year with a tinge of blue.
Was trying to recollect the year from my Facebook postings since I didn't blog much this year. I'll probably do a run through before the week is over and 2014 sets in.
2013 would be considered the year of change, great change. I've already blogged in an earlier post that it has been a year of death (about 11 people I know have passed on since late 2012). Often it's not the death that brings about an end of things. It's the changes that resulted from death itself.
Everything seemed to have crumbled in the last quarter. That's perhaps also why I've not been blogging much. Writing doesn't seem that important anymore although it has always been my strength. But I think it's time to break my silence, after a long hiatus. Writing enables me to come to terms with how I feel with what actually happened. Hopefully it helps me to move on.
Friends come and leave, and after a while it doesn't seem that important anymore, even though they had been a pillar of strength. At times, maybe I could have handled certain situations better instead of being upset that people are not efficient and responsible enough. With each episode, I would contemplate and analyse what had gone wrong in the process. From the sequence of the incidents that happened, I could trace when it started exactly but baffled by the unnecessary reaction and attention it received. Perhaps I am not aware of what happened in between. Or perhaps it got blown out of proportion, whether by orthodox or unorthodox methods.
But as always, truth prevails. A friend advised me that even when we are being misunderstood, we should just swallow our pride and accept it. The truth will come to light one day. Even if we have done wrong or no wrong, we shall refrain from speculating and casting stones at others as a reflex reaction. I find myself struggling with that but I know it's true. We can control our thoughts and actions. We cannot control others' actions and reaction. The more important thing is, we should not provide others or ourselves the chance to spin off more negativity that is detrimental to all parties.
I checked my own intentions of doing each task when helping others, especially those who desperately needed my help. I think I've tried to do my best each time despite my own personal problems, difficulties and obstacles, as well as limited capabilities. I'm sorry that I might have hurt some people I truly respect in the process. But I realise if I'm not important enough to be told the truth then there's no point in asking or pursuing the matter anymore. I guess not everyone knows how important they are to me. In assessing friendship, I would think of the many instances of time spent together, the sharing, the camaraderie, affinity and trust and genuine loving kindness etc.... rather than just be upset with one episode of disagreement. I thought genuine friends are above that, all the temporary conflicts which are inevitable. What matters most is, after everything, we can still sit down and talk, without avoiding. I would never give up on certain friends, no matter how deeply I was hurt.
Dharma practice calls for patience and to subdue our own deluded mind. Of course I am not a good practitioner yet. I'm struggling to tame my monkey elephant donkey giraffe (whatever animal) mind.... Anyway, no matter what, as long as my conscience is clear, I should not dwell too much in it. I guess we cannot always draw the line clearly. Just as we cannot draw the boundaries in our heart on how we feel. When a friend makes us sad, do not forget all the good things he/she has done for you. Hence a genuine friend will stay in my heart forever, no matter what happens.
My primary lesson from 2013 - to let go of the past and move on to worthy projects and endeavours. There are a lot of people who need help. Quit thinking for ourselves, the self-cherishing 'i'. I am already fortunate to have the support of many people even though we may not be that close. May all auspicious conditions ripen and all obstacles/interferences be eradicated so that I can continue to practise the Dharma. May I continue to receive teachings from my Gurus and to be able to serve them without any obstructions.
Can't wait for the sneaky snake to slither away and for the horse to gallop in. Lifting my head high towards a fresh beginning.