The abyss of the lost and make-believe

Chanced upon the below excerpt today by Sogyal Rinpoche in 'Tibetan Book of Living & Dying' and I suddenly realise in a certain way how relevant it is to the situation I'm faced with: 

"Imagine a person who suddenly wakes up in the hospital after an automobile accident to find that she is suffering from total amnesia. Outwardly, everything is intact: She has the same face and form, her senses and her mind are there, but she doesn’t have any idea or any trace of a memory of who she really is.

In exactly the same way, we cannot remember our true identity, our original nature. Frantically, and in real dread, we cast around and improvise another identity, one we clutch with all the desperation of someone falling continuously into an abyss. This false and ignorantly assumed identity is 'ego'."

We are just like the person who is suffering from total amnesia. Although the physical and mental forms appear so real, we totally cannot find or recognise our true nature.

If we, normal abled beings, are often blinded by what we think as real while the actual reality is far from it, how then is a person who has lost partial of his mind be able to find his true nature? 

That person is my father. 

My father is hospitalised again, more than a month after he was discharged from brain injury due to a fall. The doctor has previously warned that patients with brain injury, even if their condition improves and does not worsen, they may never be able to function as normal as before. The condition can only deteriorate with age. 

The A&E unit has become my father's best friend and my enemy. It's a place I frequented recently and which I dread to visit. My father has met with a few other ailments after his discharge. He had significantly weakened in his movements compared to last time. He could not control his bowels properly which was pretty inconvenient when we were out. This led to an urinary tract infection a couple of weeks ago. And because he was not feeling well with a bloated stomach and swollen legs due to this UTI, his appetite was affected. He was eating very little or totally skipped his meals. 

Then last week he became dazed and couldn't get out of bed to have dinner. While he was not unconscious, his opened eyes seemed far away when I looked at him and he could not reply or speak. We called the ambulance and in we went into the A&E again.

It turned out his sugar level was precariously low at 1.2 and his high blood pressure shot up to 180. The nurse warned if we had delayed sending him in, he could have gone into a coma. His condition was so dangerously risky even though he woke up immediately with a glucose jab. 

From then it seemed his random moods and extreme behaviour came back. From being incoherent to highly suspicious to agitated to paranoia to aggressive to being deranged at times.  He is currently under medication to calm him down. When he is in a calm state, he is smiling and laughing and talking non-stop. Or he goes totally quiet just lying in bed. 

These exhibits of extreme behaviours are far from his usual self. We wonder if he will regain his memory or at least recover his normal mind. At times, I wonder is it better he remains in this silent and blur state, in a world of his own. Or is it better for him to remember everything and be back to his grouchy and worrying (at times agitated) character. Because no matter what, it is medically understood that he will never return to his normal self again. It's a dilemma. 

That is why the above excerpt resonates with what I'm thinking and feeling right now. Will we ever find our real identity, our true nature, when we are always holding on to a make-believe identity in which we assume we possess our entire life? Or is it better to temporarily lose our identity, be unaware of our physical and mental suffering? Whether it is make-believe or lost identity, the longer our true identity eludes us, it is akin to swimming in this abyss called samsara. 

Between our seemingly perfect (make-believe) world and the lost world my father is in, we are in fact no different.  

"Your mind is your main engine"

Below are quotes from my guru Dagyab Rinpoche's teachings, print shots extracted from his Facebook Page. Very good reminder in our daily life. Have a great weekend! 

The sunshine girl

I was catching up with a friend who just joined Facebook. We talked about a mutual friend, K, who just passed away less than 2 months ago. She was in her 30s. It was sudden death although she had heart problems all along. I did not know about it until after her passing. 

My friend told me that she was in frequent contact with K the whole time, especially the one month when she was not feeling well and before she passed away.  

She said, "The week before she went, she wanted to ask you out for makan (a meal), but even at that time, she was already not able to move around very well .... her legs were very swollen (due to hypertrophy of leg veins brought on by the problem with her heart valves)". 

I asked was she in any pain. My friend replied, "Nope... she was quite stoic and brave.... didn't really complain. Her passing was very swift, a shock to everyone but it was also really a blessing as there was no extreme lengthy suffering." 

She left during the Losar period (Tibetan new year) so it was quite a blessing, I think. I was not exactly that close to her but still, I felt quite sad. I did not even know she was sick. So her sudden death was a shock. The last time I saw her was about a year ago when we went for a Vietnamese dinner, and she truly enjoyed herself. K had wanted me to arrange another dinner date, but I did not managed to and now it is too late. Feeling a little guilty. K truly loved food, she always posted photos of food. She was a cheerful person with no ill intentions and she shared with me all her stories in whatsapp. She was the one who usually served the monks and nuns and bring them around when they visited Singapore. She also cooked for the gurus like His Holiness Sakya Trizin and other Rinpoches. She had volunteered her time and service in Dharma for many years.  

She posted this picture of the Sunshine Carebear in her Facebook recently just before her passing. I feel this is so her. Wherever she went, no matter what the weather, she always brought her own sunshine. Just as she had served the Gurus with delicious food in this lifetime, may she continue to serve the Gurus with a pure heart in all future lifetimes until enlightenment.  May she have a very good rebirth. Om mani padme hum. 

Identity crisis and pull-hair moments

Frankly I think my blog is having an identity crisis. This year is the 10th anniversary of my blog. What started as a totally unknown blog (I mean unknown to the people I know) has become quite a easily searchable blog when it's something about the Dharma. It's amazing I lasted so long, actually. My posts used to make up 50% on Dharma related stuff and 50% on food reviews or home cooking with some personal posts in between about anything under the sky. Now it seems that it's mostly about dharma related stuff I post (I got too lazy to write about food) and I write mostly about personal thoughts (who would be interested in my personal stuff, really?). Also I have not been blogging consistently for the past year. It always depends on my mood, because that's what a personal blog is about, isn't it? 

I'm not the same as the mainstream social media bloggers who have a focus, either it is usually a food blog, or beauty/fashion blog or travel blog or photography blog. And their presence are more known while I prefer to be low profile. There are only very very few bloggers who write about the Dharma, and they're almost all not from Singapore. Plus I hardly mix around with the current 'generation' of bloggers many whom I have known online for years. Irony much? 

I do love to write Dharma-related stuff  because my life revolves around it. And I still receive emails from readers who are very supportive, especially dharma friends. Most of them want me to continue writing. Yet I feel I'm absolutely not qualified to broach deeper into any specific dharma topics. I only share about events and the great teachers I have the fortune to receive teachings from. I am only able to share my own experience as a Buddhist practitioner yet I am totally incapable of advising readers on particular areas, aside from the usual mantras and certain practices and deities.   I'm not sure if I am benefiting and helping more people. 

I've been thinking of changing the blog's direction and name to focus solely on Dharma, yet I'm unwilling to stop the musings on my daily life, my thoughts, my emo moments, my special occasions, my food reviews etc. I'm unwilling to drop all these. I would like to change and adopt a simpler name for this blog or perhaps rename it simply as 'Stumpbo's Tushita', for Stumpbo is my online moniker anyway. Fellow bloggers know me as Stumpbo. Not many remember the actual name which is 'Life of Lopsided 8' (or LOL8). No one knows why it's named thus, and it has been shortened by some to being 'lopsided' blog (!!!!!!!). Also, maintaining my Stumpbo Facebook account and LOL8 page is time consuming and driving me nuts, as I'm more active on my other actual account. More decisions (*pull hair*). 

The thing is, my real life friends in my other actual FB account seldom post stuff apart from a few. 90% of them are almost dormant. I gather they mostly like to check out and stalk others but not enthusiastic to post anything themselves (most are concerned about online privacy or they prefer to be low profile/secretive/conservative). Quite preferential and selective cliques. Most do not usually bother to click 'Like' or comment, but however, when they meet you, they do remember your posts and might be curious about them. Also, their once-in-a-blue-moon posts would only be if they have taken photos with, say the President of the United States or some special VIPs. This makes my timeline pretty boring (apart from informative posts by FB pages). Hardly earth shattering. In comparison, Stumpbo's friends, being active in social media and bloggers, are used to posting updates constantly, sharing photos and news on a daily regular basis. There's friendly sharing. That's how I get instant news about the happenings of anyone, anything, everything. I appreciate our online interactions, something which my real life friends will never understand.In my actual account, I sometimes feel like a bozo who always share photos and stuff. These are just precious memories to me for keeps (plus it's easier to search for old photos if need be). But I often wonder if my friends feel that I'm showing off or I share too many links/posts or if I'm hoarding their timeline. They may not post anything but I know they are constantly surfing Facebook. Ironically, it's in Stumpbo's account and online friends who make me feel more normal. Although I've started to consider deleting Stumpbo's account off and adding closer online friends to my real life account, I am still hesitant of abandoning it. 

Of course it is entirely each individual's freedom how they would like to behave online. And although many may feel Facebook is just another social media platform and nothing that important to be concerned about, I beg to differ. In order to sustain the popularity of an app, there must be something useful it can provide, daily news, sharing and updates of friends, keeping in touch etc. Otherwise it will die off sooner but other new apps will emerge and still mushroom. I've always been one of those pioneer users of any social media apps when they first launched, like Facebook, Twitter, Google+, Posterous, Tumblr, Whatsapp, etc... The cycle is never ending. If you can't stop them, join them. Recently I have an unusual increase of strangers adding me and sending me overly friendly messages which I totally ignore. Privacy is never an issue to me because there are security settings I can manage. Likewise, we can manage our online relationship and interaction with tact, and still maintain friendship both online and offline. There's nothing to be fearful about. 

Maybe I've become jaded to a certain extent that I crave change. Often I take the high road in normal situations. I would not be coerced to write stuff I don't feel anything for. I also don't care too much of any mainstream social media events. I hardly socialise. I hardly advertise for any commercial products or services. I hardly please anyone for the sake of pleasing. Sometimes this doesn't sit well with people. But as long as I stick to writing and doing what I feel is right, I'm not bothered. 

Anyway it's times like now that blurs the line between online and real life. My online life has become an integral part of my life and it is important enough for me to put more serious thought into when I settle this momentary identity crisis of this blog. Or maybe, just maybe, it's time to pack up and call it a day, and stop writing totally. 

Meow. 

Tulipmania!

If you love tulips, do check out Tulipmania this period at Gardens By The Bay. I was there yesterday on a cool day (anyway, the Flower Drome conservatory is air-conditioned) for a brief visit. Reminded me of my visit to Holland years ago. Nothing beats the real thing but our local version is not bad either, albeit a mini version. Flowers never fail to brighten your day. 

Musings

Sometimes, life is so amazing. This morning when I woke up, I suddenly thought of a very close friend and missing this friend. Then within the next hour, the Universe miraculously brought news of this friend to me through some means which I shall not reveal here. Many times it has happened, whenever I think of someone and wonder how that person was, I would get the answer somewhat immediately. The power of the workings of the universe and the mind. I'm quite sure the other person knows too. Amazing. And you know what, it's times like this that keep me sane. No matter what, I know that things are fine. I'm a very loyal friend to those I trust and strongly believe in, especially those whom I share great camadarie with.

Anyway, I collated my shoes shots from Instagram and realised I didn't really snap too much of this view (compared to some bloggers). That's all I have, haha! 

If you notice, you'll know I love red shoes, 60% of my shoes in my cabinet are red/maroon/orange. All are flats. I used to love boots but it's too hot for our weather. And I'm having a current interest in pants with prints. Wheeee....

I still remember each time or occasion these shots were snapped; the top left was in MBS during the Grand Puja setup,  top 2nd was in the MRT on the way to work in my cargo pants and a black George flats, top right was a pair of cheap orange flats I found at $13. Middle left was my favourite Rockport maroon travelling shoes, was trying to warm them up before a trip. Middle 2nd was a pair of flats with green prints I like, only $9.90 after discount! Middle right was a chequered pants with my red Naturalizer flats. Bottom left was taken when I was donating blood wearing a fav red leather Kenneth Cole flats from Dubai which was hugely discounted. Bottom 2nd was a flexi pair of striking orange tods, an unforgettable pair (see right photo, boohoo!). Bottom right was my old reliable Crocs in a coach with Dagyab Rinpoche on the way to Kuala Lumpur! 

“I am Karmapa, remember?”

I read a wonderful sharing below of the previous His Holiness 16th Karmapa from "Intimate Encounters with the Buddha Karmapa" by Trinley Gyatso.  

"We were in Lahina in Maui, browsing around the shops right before a big Vajra Crown ceremony at a Japanese Buddhist temple. I mentioned that we were going to be late and I urged His Holiness to get going. As the driver, I felt it was my duty to get to the next event on time. He just looked at me with astonishment and said, “I am Karmapa. Remember? I know when it’s time to go.” 

He went on shopping, fascinated by all the red coral in Hawaii. Finally we got into the car near the Pioneer Inn. As I was turning the car around, a straggly old hippie came up to our brand new shiny Cadillac. It was the best car you could get in 1975, and this old hippie guy was knocking on my window. “Hey, I hear there’s some dude up the road, giving some kind of religious ceremony. I’d like a ride."  I said, “Excuse me, sir” and motioned him to go away. 

As Karmapa’s clean-shaven, short-haired driver wearing the new suit he had bought for me, I felt embarrassed by the incident. I rolled up the window and drove on. Karmapa asked me what the man wanted. I said he wanted a ride. Karmapa said, “Let’s give him a ride then.” Karmapa and Jamgön Kongtrul were in the back seat and Joel Wiley and I were in the front. I turned the Cadillac around and the hippie got in the front seat between Joel and I. As soon as he got in, he seemed a bit stunned perhaps from being in the same small space with Karmapa.   

Then as we were starting to drive to the temple for the Crown Ceremony, Karmapa touched him on the shoulder and said, 'om mani padme hung'. Joel turned to him and said, “I think Karmapa wants you to say, 'om mani padme hung'.” So he started to try to say it, but he could barely get it out. Karmapa asked him what he did for a living. I felt he was a little embarrassed to say he worked at MacDonald’s or somewhere like that. 

Karmapa told him to go on saying 'om mani padme hung'. By that time, we had almost reached the Japanese Buddhist temple where the Vajra Crown was to be held. We arrived as the jalings were sounding. This was the biggest event the Karmapa ever did in Maui, the Vajra Crown ceremony by the ocean with hundreds of people present. His Holiness Karmapa got out. Then the hitch-hiker got out. Karmapa turned to him and said, “As a result of getting into the car with us today, all your bad karma from your previous lives has been erased.”

While the horns were blasting that deep eerie sound and throngs of people were bowing to Karmapa, he made his way through the masses. The hippie stood there completely awestruck by the entire experience, like someone experiencing a total mind transformation. I was also overwhelmed by the realization that Karmapa had the power to alter an individual’s karma and assist them to wake up instantly to a higher purpose."

We are often impressed by miraculous deeds of the great masters. We love to hear of miracles, or testimonies of wonderful stories, perhaps to strengthen our faith in our spiritual beliefs. Indeed, can we erase our bad karma? From the Buddhist point of view, we have to account for our own good deeds or the bad actions, we have to face the results when the cause and conditions ripen and we 'reap' or 'suffer' the effect of whatever we have done since many lifetimes before. Yes, we can try to purify our negative karma through engaging in various meritorious deeds, but ultimately, when the right conditions ripen, we still have to face the music, whether we like it or not. We cannot erase our bad karma. Only the Buddha and the enlightened ones can help us.

This story reminds me of one special initiation which Lama Zopa Rinpoche gave a few years ago. After the 2 days empowerment, at the end of it, Rinpoche told those who were present, that by the blessing and having taken the initiation and teachings, our negative karma since beginningless times have been purified and exhausted. I was awestruck. However, I felt how much we had benefited from this, depends purely on our mental development and how well we had understood and visualised during the initiation. While we are responsible for our karma, I fervently believe that only the Buddha and great masters have the power to help lessen or erase. But, moving forward, we still have to be mindful of creating and committing new karma, and we are still responsible for our own mind transformation. To be liberated and enlightened, only we can help ourselves. Not even the Buddha can. 

Om mani padme hung. 

Dope I am

Time can really change many things. A couple of days ago, I had this inexplicable realisation, one of extreme bliss and happiness. I don't know why. I know it's such a contrast to my earlier posts. Alas such is all-pervasive suffering  (as taught by the Buddha). 

Often we are made to feel happy, or sad or many other forms of emotions by the mere thought of something, someone or just anything. I realise that's terrifying. For example, I thought of a dearest friend, and I'm filled with extreme joy everything regarding this friend. Then I can also feel frustration or anger whenever I thought of another person who caused me such distress merely because of a tiny incident. I have such intense inclinations to emotions that I know they are not helping me at all, all these extreme moments of joy and sadness. I'm forever searching for that certain equilibrium which has been eluding me. What have I been searching for in order to feel 'neutral'? In order not to be so fixated at extreme ends of my moods. This task of searching for this inner me, is perhaps the most intense lesson I've experienced for zillions of lifetimes. And the very reason that I'm still searching. It is understanding and finding the most innermost me, the mind. Not the merely labelled me but the innermost me which has been struggling for eons and yet been such a failure in overcoming all the emotions. 

That day, when I felt that certain elated bliss, I realised that whatever negative thoughts and emotions I've been having were simply just silly. Whatever thoughts I had, I will eventually rid of them. They will never stay too long. Along with this realisation, also accompanied by regret of the actions I've done with those mere thoughts. Even at the point of committing such thoughts and acts, I knew it was wrong yet I still allowed myself to feel thus. That's the most regretful. I'm such a dope. Haha. 

An excerpt from the Tibetan Book of Living and Dying: 

"How hard it can be to turn our attention within! How easily we allow our old habits and set patterns to dominate us! Even though they bring us suffering, we accept them with almost fatalistic resignation, for we are so used to giving in to them. We may idealize freedom, but when it comes to our habits, we are completely enslaved.

Still, reflection can slowly bring us wisdom. We may, of course, fall back into fixed repetitive patterns again and again, but slowly we can emerge from them and change."

Ok I'm done. Just wanted to pen the above flying thoughts aka realisation aka inspiration of the moment. 

What makes me happy

Perhaps a cliche subject but I'm going to try to come up with as many as possible. Because...... just because I had the worst past few days lying in bed (in between work, very brief errands and prayers) with cough, stuffy nose, fever and excruciating bodyache. So I got to cheer myself up by thinking happy thoughts.

1. Having late night suppers with friends, in fact any meals with friends. I used to hang out in Old Hong Kong with my BFFs for supper and we had chat till past midnight because they were open 24 hours (I mean the cafe, and my friends too! Haha!)

2. Witnessing friends who show random acts of kindness towards strangers. I've a friend who always touched me with her kindness and compassion towards old people, ie. she always walk up to the elderly person who is peddling some stuff on the street or selling something in a stall, she had just drop in some cash. So she's my source of inspiration and model.

3. Happy photos. Naturally I like to remember the good times of the photos I've taken, with people/animals I care about or had fun with. Sometimes seeing even photos of the food I had with some friends makes me happy (some friends do not understand why I should snap photos of food every time or they do not like their photos to be taken). But precisely because most photos are taken when one's happy and not when one's in a lousy mood. And it is often the company that matters, happy photos, happy times, happy imprints. 

4. When gurus remember me. A little narcissistic but anyone would feel happy when someone whom you admire or in awe of, recognises you and remembers you through his huge smile and excited eyes. So what more, when my very own guru, whom I hold dearly as the Buddha, talk to me, blesses me or knocks his head gently on mine, and ask how I am. 

5. Winning 4D/Toto or any forms of cash/gifts. I'm being practical, haha! But let me assure you it's shortlived (although I still dream of winning a car or condo one day, haha). When I received cheques from Google, it's a reminder that my dying blog is still being appreciated. In fact I'm just thankful it's still consistently garnering more than 1000 hits per day. I think it's auto pilot now. 

6. Chubby little kids, especially little chubby baby boys. I don't know why but I love their innocent eyes and so pinchable cheeks and their baby smell. I had my share of babysitting my younger cousins and niece and nephew and those moments still bring back lovely memories. 

7. Reading something and it suddenly hits me with some understanding /realisation (eureka! moment). Especially so regarding the Dharma. I may not be the most intelligent person around, I'm not an outspoken person and I don't ask lots of questions. In our society of assessing people by their outspokenness or smart quips, I think I'm a dying breed. I just prefer to put my thoughts into writing rather than spontaneous outbursts/blurbs. 

8. Divine help. Naturally if one believes in the divine, one would be blissed out. Take for example, the other day, I was late for an appointment and decided to take a cab.  I saw the spot which was usually quite easy to flag a cab (not a taxi stand) had two guys already there waiting. And right at that moment another 3 ladies arrived and chose to wait for a cab right before me! My initial thought was 'shit!' but decided to pray for divine help from a certain Dharma protector. I had decided to pray that those 5 people in front of me quickly get their cabs fast so that I might be able to get mine too. Just barely a minute after I muttered my prayers, one cab came and the first guy got in. Another cab also arrived, and while the other guy and the 3 ladies before me were flagging furiously, it went past them and stopped right in front of me. Prayers answered (I've often tried this and it worked 90% of the time). ;)

9. Going places. The destination doesn't have to be somewhere in another country, as long as it's a place which brings back nostalgic happy memories. But I think travelling always makes one happy. I am in awe of holy places in India and Nepal. I always remember trips with friends to Turkey, Dubai, and nearby Bangkok and Malaysia. And I'll never forget family trips to the entire Europe, China and Australia. 

10. No airs. no flares, an equal society. Ideally in an equilibrium state of society, we do not wish the see the ugliness and suffering of mankind manifesting. I would very much like to see that in any organisation, or social scene, but sadly it's not to be. However at rare times I do see that it does exist. Take for instance, when my father was hospitalised for more than a month in Tan Tock Seng Hospital, the medical team as well as the support staff took excellent care of him physically. Despite limited resources of the hospital at times, whether the patient is rich and influential, or poor, he/she receives the same equal amount of care and attention with no biasness, no flare ups, no inconsistencies. This is what our world should be about, something I hope to witness more. 

Dilgo Khyentse Rinpoche - The golden mountain and its radiance

I was particularly touched when I watched this footage of His Holiness Kyabje Dilgo Khyentse Rinpoche (1910 - 1991) who was a great Vajrayana master, scholar, poet, teacher and head of the Nyingma school of Tibetan Buddhism from 1987 to 1991. He was also one of His Holiness Dalai Lama's main gurus. 

In fact, every time I watch videos of him, I would start to tear.  I did not have the affinity to meet the previous Dilgo Khyentse Rinpoche in this lifetime. I wish I did. His teachings have some how touched me. Perhaps I find him endearing because of the way he gave brilliant analogies in his teachings as well as coupled with beautiful poetic flair. 

Below are some random excerpts of his teachings I picked: 

On true spiritual friends

"Spending your time with true spiritual friends will fill you with love for all beings and help you to see how negative attachments and hatred are. Being with such friends and following their example will naturally imbue you with their good qualities just as all the birds flying around the golden mountain are bathed in its golden radiance."

On devotion

"Devotion is as precious as having a skilled hand that can accomplish all crafts. It is like a great treasure which fulfills all needs, the panacea which cures all illness. Entrust your heart and mind to the Three Jewels like throwing a stone into deep water." 

On practising Dharma

"If you truly put the teachings into practice, as the Dharma takes birth and grows in your mindstream, all your faults will naturally diminish and all your positive qualities will spontaneously blossom, just as the sun, as it rises higher in the morning, gradually spreads increasing light throughout the world." 

On practising Dharma

"Do not waste a single moment, like a warrior who, pierced to the heart by an arrow, knows he has only few minutes to live. It is now, while we are in good health and in possession of all our physical and mental faculties, that we should practice Dharma."

On faith and devotion

"Without being concentrated by a magnifying glass, dry grass cannot be set alight by the rays of the sun, even though they bathe the whole earth evenly in their warmth. In the same way, it is only when focused through the magnifying glass of your faith and devotion that the all- pervading warm rays of the buddhas’ compassion can make blessings blaze up in your being, like dry grass on fire."

On abandoning attachments

"If we cease to have strong clinging to our body, possessions, and relatives, we will naturally stop feeling aggression toward those we consider as our enemies and compulsive attraction toward those we consider as friends. A true bodhisattva makes no distinction between a person touching one side of his body with a silken scarf and someone cutting his flesh on the other side."

On the absolute truth

"When your realization of emptiness becomes as vast as the sky, you will gain an even greater conviction about the law of cause and effect, and you will see just how important your conduct really is. Relative truth functions inexorably within absolute truth." 

On renunciation

"A prisoner locked in jail thinks all the time about different ways of getting free - how he might climb over the walls, ask powerful people to intervene, or raise money to bribe someone. So, too, seeing the suffering and imperfection of samsara, never stop thinking about how to gain liberation, with a deep feeling of renunciation." 

On renunciation

"A bedridden patient only thinks about getting well again. He or she has no wish to remain sick forever. Likewise, a practitioner who yearns to leave the miseries of samsara behind will make use of all the ways in which that can be done, such as taking refuge, generating the mind set on attaining enlightenment for the sake of others, undertaking positive actions and so on, with a firm determination to get out of samsara constantly in mind." 

On death

"Mindfulness of death is a nectarlike medicine that restores you to health and a sentinel that watches over the discipline of your practice, never letting it stray into distractions." 

On emptiness

"Once you have understood the union of emptiness and the dependent arising of phenomena, you will see clearly how deluded and deceiving the ways of the world really are, and, like an old man forced to play children’s games, you will find them very tiresome." 

On emptiness

"When sunlight falls on a crystal, lights of all colours of the rainbow appear; yet they have no substance that you can grasp. Likewise, all thoughts in their infinite variety - devotion, compassion, harmfulness, desire - are utterly without substance. This is the mind of the Buddha. There is no thought that is something other than emptiness; if you recognize the void nature of thoughts at the very moment they arise, they will dissolve. Attachment and hatred will never be able to disturb the mind. Deluded emotions will collapse by themselves. No negative actions will be accumulated, so no suffering will follow."

The Boudanath Stupa in Nepal was continuously lighted with 100,000 butter lamp offerings near Dilgo Khyentse Rinpoche's monastery during the 49 days of his parinirvana in 1991. _(i)_ 

HH Dilgo Khyentse Rinpoche (1910-1991)

Be unshakeable like a vajra

《清明》
清明时节雨纷纷，
路上行人欲断魂。
借问酒家何处有，
牧童谣指杏花村。
-- 杜牧

Today is Qing Ming. It always rain on Qing Ming day. I heard it's been so for thousands of years.

I think this is going to be an emo post. 

I've been coughing for like almost a month, almost recovered and yesterday it got worse. So I went to see the doctor again who gave me antibiotics this time (earlier visit doctor refused to prescribe them). 

A day before, I visited two temples for Qing Ming prayers to my ancestors and grandparents. This year was the first time I went alone as I told my parents to stay home. My father is still recuperating at home, and my mother is also tired, so in order to reassure them and to make them happy, I told them I had go on their behalf. As a Buddhist I believe my ancestors had long taken rebirth. Burning paper items and offering food to them might not help much. However, doing prayers as well as making special incense offering and dedicating the merits to them would help them as well as other beings even if they are reborn in the higher realms or stuck in the lower realms. I wonder how long this Chinese tradition will last though, if it has become a 'chore' or 'duty' to the younger generation. 

I don't mean to sound like a baby, but I've not been in good health recently, plus I encountered quite a number of unfortunate  incidents in between. Blows after blows. Physically, I feel breathless and limp, never have I been like this before as I'm usually strong, fearless and healthy. Nowadays  I feel easily cold that I've to wear a scarf almost all the time! Moreover I have been sleep deprived for a few months. Although it is not that serious yet, but if this carries on, coupled with my cough, I just cannot imagine. 

Not having good physical health has its impact on mental health too. That's why I've been emotional, sad, frustrated and disappointed on many occasions. I feel that I just want to get out of this suffering state and leave. I asked some friends, why I always meet so many obstacles which are manifesting non stop, despite all the good virtuous deeds I try to do. Despite trying to study and practise the Dharma. Even then I meet problems still.  I often observe, many are richer and privileged, they are enjoying good reputation and social status and in the good books of their bosses and organisations, and they might not be even keen on charity work to benefit others. I know there is no point for comparison. The Buddhist point of view attributes all these to their good karma, something they've done right in their past lives to enjoy the present. I know it is not right to feel slighted in this way but when times are down, I still cannot help but be shaken and very discouraged. I would not know what is fair or not until samsara ends, as the cause and conditions always change. 

I hope I'm still planting some good seeds for my future lives. Anyway I just know that I need to get out of this current rut very soon. It's about time. 

Around my old neighbourhood

I am nursing a bad cough. After more than 3 weeks of self medication and both Chinese and Western medicine, my cough still persisted. So I went back to my usual clinic in my old neighbourhood as they have my longest medical records plus list of drug allergies. And it was nostalgic visiting the place again...

First stop straight to the doctor's. Looking at their primitive software and old dot matrix printer over the counter,  I remember my first ex boss was the pioneer in the medical industry to develop a clinic software about 20 years ago, a system which could alert drug allergies of individual patients! I was the sales person in those days talking to specialists and GPs to computerise! Haha!

After seeing the doctor, I chanced upon a mobile nursery ! So interesting. I supposed it was owned by one of the stalls selling plants and flowers in the market. But it is a good idea to be able to have a mobile lorry/truck ferrying common plants around whenever you want to buy some for home. How wonderful if they could come to your door step and you pick and choose plants from what's available or you 'pre-order' the types of plants you are interested in before they come. Save transport and delivery costs. 

For old times sake, although I was going to the wet market for my brunch, I went to a coffee shop selling my favourite char bee hoon and black noodles. I ordered a packet to takeaway. Their noodles for breakfast are very popular in the morning and no where else comes close in terms of the taste. And they top the char bee hoon with fried tau kee. I could eat the noodles plain without any additional ingredients, just green chilli will do. 

Everytime I came back to my old neighbourhood I would order the fried carrot cake from Kim Lee. 

Still my favourite fried carrot cake with lots cai por and garlic and a little moist and fragrant soft with egg, only $2 a plate. 

A few stalls away from Kim Lee carrot cake stall, is the soya bean drinks stall which is still very popular and run by a few brothers. I always order their warm soya bean drink to go with my fried carrot cake. Still prefer the old traditional tau huay (soya beancurd) they are selling  than those soya bean pudding type popular nowadays. 

The Yong Tau Foo stall caught my attention, their variety of items very fresh and fast moving. They also serve in variety of soup; clear soup or dry, tomyam soup, laksa gravy, as well as others like ban mian and fish soup and fried chicken rice/noodles. 

I was greedy. Although I was full I ordered and tried a bowl of dry Yong Tau Foo with a few items without noodles. Yummy! 

Next stop, the Muslim stall to pack lunch for my father. Wow I always judge the popularity of a Muslim food stall with the variety of dishes served and they looked so fresh, delicious and inviting, plus a constant flow of customers. If my stomach could still take in, I would definitely order more! 

They wrapped the takeaway rice like a ball and the usual dishes I order would be the Sambal cuttlefish, begedel (fried potato), stirfry long bean/tempeh/fried beancurd, or fried chicken wing or mutton. Yums!

Chanced upon an old key duplicate shop and did extra keys. Anytime more friendlier than those commercialised shops in shopping malls. :) 

And in the midst of the crowd eating in the hawker centre there was a guy singing just outside the toilets. Playing the electronic organ with sound system and microphone, he belted out English oldies for entertainment and hopefully for some tips. 

By the way, my old neighbourhood is in Sims Drive, a small housing estate near Aljunied MRT station.