Thursday, 12 November 2009

Gnawing at the root of our being

Happened to read some past entries of one particular month, and I am almost brimming with tears. Recalled some sad memories, some people, some events. Sometimes when you are in that situation, you cannot help feeling sorry for yourself over certain matters. Maybe there are issues you cannot let go and yet you thought you already did.  

I ask myself how many times in my life have I screwed things up? And how many times in my life have other people screwed things up for me? And I ask myself what have I done to deserve all that? Perhaps my bad luck. Perhaps my bad karma. Perhaps the people who came into my life were connected to me somehow in my previous lives. Perhaps I owed them something in their previous lives, that they are now back to make life a little difficult and unbearable for me. And it is much worse when these people are those whom I doted on, and not even enemies. Is it payback time? Can all these things be avoided?

To say I was hurt is an under-statement. Every time these things happen, I become "lembek" emotionally, and maybe a little more bitter and skeptical. I can jolly well comfort myself and think time will heal everything, and then I can forget and treat these as life's unfortunate experiences / lessons. The thing is, when can I truly forget everything? Have I fully repaid my debts yet?   

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